Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Wheat Crunchies Cereal Found to Contain Steroids

"I don't know how the steroids got there," said a spokesperson who refused to be identified, "We were just following our regular manufacturing process." The spokesperson held up a huge manual that said "Manufacturing Process" on the front cover. It looked brand new. When asked if employees actually used the book, the spokesperson replied, "Naw, we all learned on the job. I think the steriods got in there when I went out for a smoke."

This story comes after decades of speculation that the famed cereal actually does give the consumer an athlete's stamina. In a back alley statement, Wheat Crunchies PR noted, "Yeah we were under the gun at one time from the public despite the use of pictures of athletes on the box. I can see how someone thought we might have deliberately spiked them with something. They work, they really do. They are 100% whole grain nutrition and part of a complete breakfast. Now this steroid thing has really cast some doubt on the ability of the cereal to provide the necessary nutrition alone. I can assure you it was not a planned intervention." The PR representative took the final drag of his cigarette, flicked it and stomped it out while he blew out the smoke.

As of this writing, no one has been to Raphael Palmiero's house to search the cupboards. "We'll be looking for a specific lot number," said an FBI spokesman, "We'll also be looking for the limited edition Jack Armstrong box. We've already taken them off the shelves." When asked if they had any problems with missing boxes, the spokesperson said, "We had trouble with one Kroger stockboy, an adolescent male, 18 years of age, blue eyes, with acne, but let's just say he won't be trying to stuff me in the box crusher again." The FBI spokesperson took a drag off his Benson and Hedges and closed the door to his car.

Innocent until proven guilty, but the court of popular opinion has already cast doubt on whether Palmiero earned his fame by eating Wheat Crunchies alone or unknowingly eating Wheat Crunchies laced with steroids. Until a verdict is reached, however, he still has to take his punishment, endure the public embarrassment and find a way to figure out just exactly how the steroids entered his veins.


At 8/02/2005 08:49:00 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Everyone in the spotlight does seem to use this "I didn't know" thing, which is odd, because the excuse has gotten as lame and unbelievable as "no comment." It's like in CLEAR & PRESENT DANGER when they want Jack Ryan to take the fall for the secret illegal war and the top advisor says, "I'll be saying, 'I have no recollection of that.'"

At 8/02/2005 10:49:00 AM, Blogger Jonathan said...

Man, you Atkinson's are some goofy sons of bitches. Welcome aboard, Tim.

At 8/02/2005 02:52:00 PM, Blogger Kennelworthy said...

Man, if Wheat Crunchies has steroids...imagine what's inside the Krusty O's!!

Dios Mio!

At 8/02/2005 04:45:00 PM, Blogger NLock said...

Thanks, Jonathan, I think. This is a lot of fun. Mind expanding!

Kennel, Don't I know it, man. If Palmiero has Krusty O's in his pantry, then it might be worth a look.

At 8/02/2005 06:39:00 PM, Blogger Kennelworthy said...

Well, I just know that at one point the Krusty O's had dangerous metallic O's in some of the boxes, and at least one child nearly died choking on it.

I bet they got all kinds of "additives" in there, like steroids, hemroids, viagra, and msg.

At 8/02/2005 09:00:00 PM, Blogger Jonathan said...

Looking back, I can't believe I wrote "goofy sons of bitches." I try to hide my 29 years of southern life, but sometimes it just escapes me.

At 8/03/2005 07:21:00 AM, Blogger NLock said...

Jonathan, no big deal. It's okay.


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