House of the Dead, and other stuff

HOUSE OF THE DEAD: I will try to re-create what I had to say about this awful movie. I told a fellow projectionist that this was the worst movie of the year and he asked me if that was true, since I had made that remark several times to him about other movies. I said, "Yes, Hollywood keeps topping themselves." Although THE ORDER is a worthy heir to the porcelain god's throne, HOUSE OF THE DEAD constantly reminds you through quick intercuts of the actual game, as if every frame of this film weren't reminder enough, that what you're watching sucks. Jurgen Prochnow, the brave sea captain of DAS BOOT, plays a brave sea captain here, and if you ask me, too brave. Once zombies begin attacking his vessel, he turns around and starts shooting them, like, "Oh, zombies, well that's to be expected," as if they were moray eels or a school of tuna. I watched this with three other managers, and you better believe I was grilling this movie from the beginning. Added to the frustration of watching a guy who has the opportunity to get a quickie with his girlfriend stop in the middle and say he has to go pee, you have that worst reaction ever near the end of the movie where the bad guy says he wanted to be immortal and the girl asks, "But why?" Also, you have poor-man's bullet time effects, used to no effect at all. You have a guy with no zombies on him at all watch petrified as his girlfriend slowly...s-l-o-w-l-y...slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly gets killed by a gang of them. He just sits there with this odd look on his face, like, "I should have done something," EVEN WHILE HE STILL HAS A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING! There's the most unnecessary rewind of everything that has happened go through one of the character's minds. You sit for a minute actually rehashing the film you want to forget in the first place! How about when Jurgen Prochnow tells the story of the evil man behind it all, and how a character says, "I wish you hadn't told me that story," and so I say, "I do too." Especially since rarely in the history of horror has an "evil man behind it all" ever been scary. How about the neverending amount of bullets people have, especially in the aformentioned Prochnow-Zombie showdown, and then when it becomes convenient they run out, no matter how many shots are fired? The lame-ass attempt at character development near the beginning, where we hear the voice of one of the characters say, "I used to go out with this girl, we just broke up. She's going to college and learning fencing. I think it's a waste of time, but what do I know?" In a movie like this, guys, the fencing must come into play at some point. But it didn't. Their relationship was never important. How it related to the zombies was never important. And if I don't see any nudity because of it, I'm really pissed off. There are two nude scenes in the movie, but before the shit goes down, and much too brief, and one of the scenes was interrupted by Clint Howard. You should never, ever, have boobies and Opie's brother in the same shot. That will cause psychological problems and the inability to ever look at breasts the same way again. Speaking of some more lame-ass boyfriends. I mentioned the guy who had to go pee. There's another guy at the beginning who has the opportunity to go skinny-dipping with his girlfriend, and he pussies out. Guys, guys, I would have to believe that you're with me on this one. You have the opportunity to skinny dip, touch a naked, hot, and wet female body and you decide, naah, it's too cold or naah, my penis will shrink? This girl didn't care! What a pussy this guy was! He deserved to be the first guy killed. In any horror film, you have to have sexual tension and terror. Both need the opportunity for release or else you just piss off your audience. The worst. I can't imagine another movie being as bad as this one.

BASEBALL:

First, there are important things to discuss in this world of baseball. I have not watched a postseason more closely than this year's. Usually, when the Braves are out, I have trouble following any other series. Last year, I watched a tiny fraction of the playoffs and barely a full game. This year, I've seen practically every game.

The events of Game 6 of the NLCS are not specific to the Cubs. I've been watching baseball since the 1985 World Series. Game 6 of the '85 World Series must be memorable to Cardinals fans for the blown call at first base that would have been out 2 in the 9th inning of the series-clincher. As it was, the Royals snowballed that inning into a game 6 win and an eventual 11-0 rout in game 7.

The next year, it was the woeful Red Sox and the Buckner play, also Game 6. But how about the ALCS of that year when the Angels had a 3-1 lead, blew it, subsequently led to the suicide of Donnie Moore (who gave up a big game 7 HR to Dave Henderson) In 1987 the Cardinals, much like the Braves 4 years later, could not squeak out a win in the Metrodome. In 1988, the vaunted A's had one of the best closers in history pitching to barely-able-to-stand Kirk Gibson in Game 1 and you know the rest.

In 1991 the Braves had Lonnie Smith on 1st base in game 7 with no outs. A double did not score him because he was too busy looking at Chuck Knoblauch's fake throw to second. And they had 2nd and 3rd with no out but COULD NOT SCORE! In 1992, Mr. Nobody Ed Sprague hits a go-ahead HR in game 2 of the World Series off Jeff Reardon. Before that, in the NLCS, Francisco Cabrera snatched victory from defeat against the Pirates with a game-winning single and a chugging Sid Bream. In 1996, it was Jim Leyritz against Mark Wohlers.

How about the crazy stuff? Jermaine Dye, while with the Braves, misses a fly ball because the ump decides to get into his path, in a series that I don't even remember who they were playing. Or also in the 1991 World Series, where Kent Hrbek wrestles Ron Gant off 1st base on a pickoff play in a crucial situation and is called out? Or even the Yankees, for God's sake! The best closer in postseason history allows a walk, commits an error, and gives up a game-winning flair to Luis Gonzalez in the 2001 World Series.

I was listening to Tony Kornheiser this morning and Michael Wilbon, a Cubs fan, comes on and starts griping about this fan interference play is just what the Cubs fans have come to expect over the years, the nearly 100 years of futility. They talk about the 1984 NLCS and Leon Durham's gaffe, also a 3-0 Cubs lead at the time, with Rick Sutcliffe, the best pitcher in the NL at the time, on the mound. But devastating losses infest every team, it's a matter of what you do the next day that matters. That's why when Carlton Fisk hits the game-winning HR in game 6 of the 1975 World Series, the Reds come back and still win. That's why, after the Braves looked invincible in ripping the Yankees completely apart in games 1 and 2 of the 1996 World Series, the Yankees came back and won 4 in a row, and why the Braves, after losing in such a fashion in game 4 of that series WERE NOT able to come back. Does your team have the cojones to forget it? We'll see with game 7 tonight.

Generally, there is another point in all of this. In every single instance that I mention, there is something more to be said. Did the Cubs lose because a fan interfered with Moises Alou? No. There are, of course, a hundred things that went wrong. Prior should have been out, and Borowski in. Alex Gonzalez was the most sure-handed shortstop in the NL this year and he dropped one. There is no reason to ever give up a double to Mike Mordecai. I should know, because he played for the Braves. In 1985, the Cardinals still should have won, even with the gross call at first. In 1986, as I have detailed many times, before Buckner's error there was bad pitching, and ultimately, a wild pitch that led to the game being tied, and John McNamara's unwise decision to keep Buckner on the field just so he could celebrate when they won, and on top of that, there was never any guarantee that A. Buckner beats Mookie Wilson to the bag (the game would still have been tied, though) or B. Once the game was tied, that the Red Sox would have won that game anyway. In 1991, I mention the 2nd and 3rd situation. You have to score in that situation! Whatever Lonnie Smith did, you have to score! That game ended up in extra innings and the Twins won 1-0. If you're Eckersley, you still have to respect Kirk Gibson, right? You can't give him something to hit, no matter how hurt he is.

It's painful. Does your team have what it takes to get over it? My team, Atlanta, never has. But it HAS been done. So don't fret Cubs fans, because you have Kerry Wood on the mound tonight. It was detailed in my lost message that I believed that the Marlins HAD to win 2 of 3 in Miami to win this series, because they would have been up 3-2 going back to Chicago and they would have had to hope to beat either Prior or Wood. That said, they didn't. And I believe the Cubs win tonight. And I believe Kerry Wood pitches so masterfully that you'll forget what happened in game 6. Forget all this hype about curses. To me, a curse is something that would make any playoff series painful, like you'd be close every time you went to the postseason and something weird would happen in game 7 all the time. That said, the Red Sox have been to the playoffs numerous times since 1986 and basically got blown out of the water, the last time in 1999 against the Yankees. And the Cubs last two trips ended in sweeps. A reminder, that the best team usually wins (unless you're the Braves). It all comes down to making great pitches in tough situations and getting a clutch hit with runners in scoring position. Last night, the Cubs failed on both counts.