Fat Albert

Fat Albert (Director: Joel Zwick)

It was only natural after Zwick directed My Big Fat Greek Wedding that he would then adapt the long-running "Fat Albert" cartoon series into a live-action film. I mean, wouldn't you think so?

Well, guys, suspense is over. This sucks. Imagine this premise for a second here. The "Fat Albert" cartoon crew gets a passage into the real world after a single tear from unpopular Doris (Kyla Pratt) drops on a remote control while she watches the show. Fat Albert (Kenan Thompson) and his band of misfits including Dumb Donald (Marques Houston), Mushmouth (Jermaine Williams), Bucky (Alphonso McAuley), Old Weird Harold (Aaron Frazier), and Bill (Keith Robinson) decide to help Doris with her problem, while interacting in a strange, modern world, a la The Brady Bunch Movie, although not as cynical.

There's also a villain played by Omari Grandberry named Reggie (who lusts after Doris' foster sister Lauri) who is so ineffectual, there's really no danger of him messing anything up, which is totally fine, since that would murk up an already laughable plot. While Albert falls for Lauri (Dania Ramirez, who for "Buffy" fans was the character Caridad), the film brings to notice that the "Fat Albert" characters are beginning to fade in the real world, and need to get back to the cartoon world, because they're needed. So it's like Stay Tuned meets Brady Bunch Movie meets Back to the Future.

I must say, this is the most ludicrous thing. First, that the characters go to the real world (I don't buy the reason, but it's a movie, so I'll get over it I guess), but what about the other people in the world watching "Fat Albert"? Don't they notice the characters' unexplained disappearance? Rudy (voice of Shedrack Anderson III) stays behind in the cartoon world and has to thwart a gang trying to take over the junkyard, and apparently that's the "script" for the "current" "Fat Albert" cartoons running on TV Land--of which random kids in the movie remind the characters, "Hey! Fat Albert! You need to go back and help Rudy!" This doesn't entirely explain the phenomenon. Like, let's give the movie the benefit of the doubt here. If the characters jumped out of the screen and there were still new "Fat Albert" cartoons, wouldn't the creators of the series, including Bill Cosby (who co-wrote this script and appears in the film) notice, and then by rule hit the front pages of the news?

All the characters, inexplicably, begin to grow strong traits (or shed their handicaps) as the movie goes on, like Mushmouth is able to speak clearly, Dumb Donald starts reading and showing off smarts, and taking off his face-covering cap reveals a handsome face, etc. All this while fading into "celluloid dust," as Cosby explains to Fat Albert. Then there's this other mystical secret revealed, that Fat Albert was based on a man Cosby knew named Albert Robertson, who is the deceased grandfather of Doris.

Hey, there's more ridiculousness here. Yes, they packed it all into this 90-minute feature. The attraction of Lauri to Fat Albert is commendable, but nearly impossible to believe, despite the things he's able to do that most women swoon for...when a guy looks like Matt Damon. Of course, the plot forces Fat Albert to go back to the cartoon world, and there's that groaning moment where Lauri starts talking to Doris about how she feels like "this is the real thing, and I feel like he'll never leave me," which leads to an exchange with Fat Albert and Lauri where he actually tries to explain that he's a cartoon character and has to get back to his world before he fades. We all know that's not going to work, and it further complicates everything, as the movie heads for its finale--a track meet! Albert, as he gets closer and closer to fading away, runs to the track and runs alongside Doris to tell her these words of wisdom: She can do it! Just run! Leading to the unintentionally funny, "Run, Doris, run!" which is so aurally similar to "Run Forrest, run!" that you'd swear it's an homage--but it's not.

Oh yeah, the villain Reggie witnesses a few characters jumping into the TV screen, gets weirded out, then believes that somehow this is going to give him the ammo necessary to humiliate Fat Albert once and for all. I can just imagine Reggie telling the whole school that this guy is, in fact, a cartoon character, with no proof at all. I'd like to see that work. We'll give a tad bit of credit to the filmmakers for not giving Reggie the chance.

Lastly, a cute girl like Doris gets stuck into the unbelievable movie convention of unpopular girls from Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You to Rachel Leigh Cook in She's All That. These girls would be extremely popular, if only for their looks, but we've got to suspend disbelief in order for the story to work.

There is a nice little scene at the end where Cosby pays respects to Albert Robertson, while all the real-life men on which the characters of "Fat Albert" were based get singled out one-by-one. But that's about all. Well, Dania Ramirez is really hot, but that's it.