AVP, PRINCESS DIARIES 2

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR: Just proving one step further that America eats up competition, thrives on the what ifs of the world, and loves to see it played out in a wet-dream fantasy onscreen. Last year's FREDDY VS. JASON was a step in that direction, combining franchises and giving horror fans something to argue about, like when sports fans argue that the 1998 Yankees could have beaten the 1927 Yankees (or vice-versa). In sports, we can never know. In film, we have to watch what a director and creative team of writers and producers believe would happen if we took the Alien, the main baddie of 4 films from 1979-1997 and faced it off with the Predator, the main baddie of 2 films from way back in 1987-1990. This is truly American. You would never see this kind of matchup in a French film; after all, it was JULES ET JIM not JULES VS. JIM. This movie has almost nothing to do with either franchise. There's no Sigourney Weaver as Ripley or Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dutch, and there's no reference to there having been Aliens or Predators before, or that they were beaten after they killed a lot of people. Lance Henriksen, who was the android Bishop in ALIENS, apparently plays the inventor of the so-called Bishop androids, but how that plays into the other movies, I'm not entirely certain. Anyway, we were talking about confusing action scenes awhile back, and this has them almost exclusively in every scene. Darkly-lit, otherworldly creatures do battle with multiple cuts and a lot of confusion, directed by the lowly Paul W.S. Anderson (the director of MORTAL KOMBAT, RESIDENT EVIL, and EVENT HORIZON who many reviewers caution not to confuse with Paul Thomas Anderson, the director of BOOGIE NIGHTS and MAGNOLIA). Oh by the way, the alien vs. predator matchup doesn't occur until way past half the film, as it begins like any other ALIEN film with a bunch of dumbass experts wandering into a long-lost pyramid and getting killed one-by-one by either an alien or a predator until the two finally meet and start killing each other. As we find out, it's not much of a contest, and we're apparently supposed to root for one of the baddies because the "enemy of our enemy is our friend," a truly Shakespearean quote if I've ever heard one. Oh yeah, there's no reason to root for humans, either. All these guys and gals are ridiculous, undeveloped fodder characters for death, except the one chick who I guess is supposed to be the new Ripley (believe it or not). So, after the trailer brought up the lamentable phrase, "Whoever wins...we lose..." I was sort of hoping to see a bunch of alien/predator assbeating, which once you figure out why there is a natural animosity between the two, becomes as moot as the battles themselves, which become extremely one-sided--and oh by the way, should the other side win out, there is a failsafe mechanism that will end up wiping them all out anyway, further rendering the outcome pointless. This will likely make enough money to spawn a sequel, which, after what I've just described, is already a tired, futile prospect, even with the fanboy hard-on premise that the filmmakers slip into the final frame of the film that signals to the viewer that a sequel is likely should the movie suffer financial triumphs. Awful, awful stuff guys. I was harkening back to VAN HELSING and comparing it, trying to figure out which was worse.

PRINCESS DIARIES 2: ROYAL ENGAGEMENT: Having not seen the first, I have no basis in comparison, so I'm a unique reviewer in that I have nothing to remember fondly or not-so-fondly as I watch this, the sequel to the 2001 surprise hit (2001 contained two other movies in which I've seen the sequel and not the original, LEGALLY BLONDE and TOMB RAIDER). I know this: Hollywood has gone fairy-tale crazy in the past year, with THE PRINCE & ME, ELLA ENCHANTED, and A CINDERELLA STORY all catering to the 17-and-under girl set this year. PD2 stars Anne Hathaway, who broke onto the scene with the original PD and was in the aforementioned ELLA film, and plays a princess who must find a husband or some stupid rule that invokes a plot conflict takes place and strips her of her crown. Let me just take time here to say the obvious. Hathaway is another-world type of beautiful, a frustratingly hot woman who starts your mind churning and wishing for an interactive high-tech gadget that would allow you to enter the movie and talk to her and ask her out for a glass of lemonade while sitting on a swing tied to a tree next to a babbling brook. All the meanwhile you could suggest to her that "I'm the prince you've been looking for," while invoking some sort of amateurish Jedi-mind trick to further the cause. She could make ALIEN VS. PREDATOR bearable, as she's not only an ethereal beauty but a fun, expressive actress as well. That said, this is rather mindless crap from the director of a lot of female-targeted fare, Garry Marshall, the man behind the orignal PD, PRETTY WOMAN, BEACHES, RUNAWAY BRIDE, and actually many, many, other hits including TV shows such as "Mork and Mindy," "Happy Days," "Laverne and Shirley," and "The Odd Couple." He even directed an earlier summer 2004 release, RAISING HELEN. And what Marshall can be accused of here is wildly pandering to this audience, sticking a sleepover party where chicks go crazy and surf on matresses down stairs and break into song, accompanied by famed SOUND OF MUSIC legend Julie Andrews. And don't forget an appearance by the new Disney star, emerging "diva" Raven, who has shook her Cosby Show, don't-call-me-Oliver-from-The-Brady-Bunch roots and has replaced Hilary Duff as the flagship teen queen of the mouse house. Then there's sticking that old tried-and-true romantic formula where the leads have to hate each other before realizing that all of their bitching is really a means to which they will figure out that they really love each other. This means also sticking in "the misunderstanding," which is always perpetrated by the "real" antagonist, this time played by I'm-not-Gimli-anymore, John Rhys-Davies, who wants his nephew to gain the crown for his own evil ends. Also, we cannot forget Marshall regular Hector Elizondo, who is in love with Andrews and makes for a subplot that adults can follow and possibly enjoy if you are taking your young daughter to see this. There are a couple of moments of fairly sharp comedy in here, but so few, and you unfortunately leave wishing that a better vehicle could be made for the winning Hathaway (and hell, the rest of the damn cast).