Late Review: Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet? (Director: Brian Levant) Release date: January 21

Director Levant has done a lot of kiddie flicks, with Problem Child 2, both Flintstones features, the Schwarzenegger vehicle Jingle All The Way, and the Cuba how-did-he-get-an-Oscar-again? Gooding, Jr. flick Snow Dogs. TV experience includes "Grounded For Life" and "Married...With Children," which is odd considering his feature film choices.

And, as you can tell from Mr. Levant's credits, he's not exactly Brad Bird when it comes to family vehicles. All of those films, including this one, are groaners--but they pay the bills. Are We There Yet? as of this review has grossed over $70 million. It's a hit. One I could not understand. I didn't see it coming. What is it about this film and its apparent staying power?

Well, first it's a combination of Home Alone (huge hit) and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (huge hit). It even has the latter movie's quick-cut montage sequence where Steve Martin remembers John Candy in a fond way, despite all of the annoyances. We could forgive Home Alone's Macaulay Culkin for putting the adults through what he did--they were house thieves. We could see how someone could actually think of Candy's character in a nice light--the guy had a heart of gold. But...in Are We There Yet? the kids put Ice Cube through the ringer in such a way that it becomes more than a cold-cock in the face that he likes them by the end. These kids are more than unreasonable, and need to be disciplined, I don't care if they do see their estranged father at his new home, kissing a new baby, a new wife, destroying their concepts of what their father is--it's not enough punishment.

However, I can see the appeal for families, since the kids get to beat up on the adults, and there's a lot of crowd-pleasin' messes to be made. The story: Nick Persons (Cube), a sports collectibles dealer who has the hots for Suzanne (Nia Long), tries to win points by taking her kids to her in Vancouver after her former husband has ditched plans to watch the kids on New Year's Eve. Her kids, of course, are demons, and look for mischief everywhere, and somehow Nick finds a way to fall in love with them. But by the end of it, Nick has been beaten up by airport security, missed a train because a shoe isn't tied just so (and then because a cape from an action figure has been left behind), has his new truck destroyed, and still can't seem to win over hottie Suzanne, until some half-assed plot rescue (inspired by the P, T, A montage) takes place in the final five minutes.

There's always a lesson to be learned, and this one about fathers, and growing up. I'm afraid, and maybe this makes me a bad person, that when Suzanne tells the late Nick that he better have them at the destination in two hours or else he's in trouble, that I would have told her where she could stick her kids, especially since Nick isn't even officially dating Suzanne and she's told him that they should just be friends. Here's Nick, doing a nice thing, even if it does have the stench of just wanting to get the girl because of it (a plot point that frees the kids up to do some more terrible, unforgivable things), and yet, he's getting the "or-else" ultimatum like everything rides on it. There's not one scene in here where Suzanne emotes that bringing the kids on time is going to butter her muffin, so the reaction from her about the lateness is the "blow me" moment of the film.

Oh yeah, did I mention the bobble-head doll of baseball great Satchel Paige, voiced by Tracy Morgan, who gives Nick advice (usually asshole advice?). Wow! The filmmakers could be applauded for digging up Paige's soul and giving him a playa's personality, but that depends on whether or not you want to go to Hell.

So, yeah, a movie that was obviously a holiday hopeful was obviously pushed back for its lameness and became a January hit. At least it's better than Christmas With The Kranks, also from Sony.