Sound Observations - 2009 Style

Hi everybody! It's been a while, and I know people are clamoring for more myopic insights into relatively meaningless activities, including professional sports. Well, look no further! I've been watching this strange, sad and surreal version of the NFL season for the past 6 weeks, and there's certainly a lot to discuss. Sit down for a while, sip some cocoa, and join me, won't you?

NFL Weeks 1-6

1. Well, the first thing I want to get out of the way is my outright and unstoppable hatred of the quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. This is one of the most mindblowing events in sports history, and I don't know quite how to react. Has there ever been anything like this in professional sports? Ever? Didn't think so. So now, to Packers fans (like me; full disclosure) have this mentality:

We had the greatest dad in the world. He did cool things like hunt and fish and cuss and fart and he used to get reeeeeally messed up on booze and drugs, but even that's ok, since he's clean now. Last year, he wanted to separate from Mom. We love Mom more than anything and will support her over anyone else, but we kind of understood. Dad needed something more. He doesn't like to sit at home and watch TV every night. He'd rather be out playing poker with the guys or hanging out at his steakhouse. He really should be looking for a hotter piece of ass. Even though we love Mom.

Well, after the hot-ass New Yorker was done, we figured Dad would move back into the neighborhood. Maybe even patch things up with Mom. If not, at least he'd be around, not chasing poontang all over the Big Apple. But... what? He's getting re-married? To Mom's worst enemy? The slut in school that always tried to steal Mom's boyfriends, but could never land a serious relationship (i.e. go all the way)? How could he? And now they're opening a business together, and it's super successful, and... oh god, now they're kissing and fondling in public, right in front of Mom... oh god...

Yeah, so now you know how depressed the entire state of Wisconsin and various other patches of America are. Good times.

2. Moving on to happier items, let's look at the Tennessee Titans, who most recently got whacked in the balls 59 times in one single game. This is a complete systematic anomaly. The team is essentially the same one that won a whole shitcan full of games last season, and now they look like the Washington Generals. I've gone from feeling despondent to actively rooting for them to be as crappy as possible... to make the '08 Lions look like they were competent. If they really try, they can suck on a monumental level. There's no saving this season; you might as well try to be great at something. In this case, getting repeatedly whacked in the balls.

3. As of Week 6, the division leaders are Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Denver, New England, San Fransico, Minnesota, New Jersey Giants and New Orleans. So... whatever that means. I have this feeling that, by Week 8-9, the sports pundits will be acting like they were picking the Saints and the Broncos all along, and this is not anything to be surprised about. It's the old Detroit Tigers of '06 syndome again!

4. Peyton Manning can kiss my ass. Is there any use for him in those Sony commercials? Anything? Is his mere presence supposed to make Justin Timberlake funnier? Well, I tell you this, Mr. Manning. Justin Timberlake is PLENTY funny enough on his own. I said good day, sir!

5. Hmmm, 6 weeks in and I still miss Madden. I miss the eyebrows, and the witticisms, and the vodka smell you could almost get through the TV. Maybe he could get back together with Pat Summerall next season, and we could have them do a good ole fashioned drink off to see whose liver explodes first. I've got Summerall after 10 shots.

6. Speaking of drinking, if you took the collective blood alcohol level of the cities of Cleveland, Buffalo, and Kansas City on a random Sunday this season, which would be the drunkest? Is Dallas in the mix? Oakland? Discuss.

NBA

7. LeBron James and Shaquille O'Neal might give people a reason to watch the NBA this season. With the new-look Cavs going against the returning champion Lakers, and the Celtics trying to bounce back from a rough post-season last year, and the Bulls trying to establish themselves as a force in the Eastern Conference, and... hey! Is anyone listening? Hey! Ok, nobody cares. Moving on...

MLB

8. So, is it gonna be Yankees/Phillies or Yankees/Dodgers? It seems like this is going to be one of those years that the Yankees win the Series. These years used to happen frequently, and people just became immune to it. Now A-Rod can try to redeem himself for post-season failures and steroid-humping, and Jeter can jump into "Greatest of all time" discussions that will splatter all over ESPN like A-Rod on his first date with Kate Hudson. Meanwhile, the Dodgers can win and Manny will continue to look like he has no idea where he is. Either way, it'll be interesting.

TV

9. Well, I think it's high time I got into Gossip Girl. Don't know why, and don't know why it's taken me this long, but I figure it's worth a shot. Rich, bitchy white kids living in uptown Manhattan that consistently engage in high-risk behavior, whilst spouting lingo that's so cool you've never even heard words like it: Count me in! Also, this helped.

Miscellaneous

10. I asked some friends about this, but I wanted to open it up to anyone who reads this blog. Is there anything worse than sitting on a warm toilet seat in a public bathroom? Yes, if it's wet it makes it worse, but if you look at the seat, it looks clean, no liquids scattered about, you go to sit down, and it feels like someone JUST got up about 3 seconds before... ugh.