Monday, October 19, 2009

Sound Observations - 2009 Style

Hi everybody! It's been a while, and I know people are clamoring for more myopic insights into relatively meaningless activities, including professional sports. Well, look no further! I've been watching this strange, sad and surreal version of the NFL season for the past 6 weeks, and there's certainly a lot to discuss. Sit down for a while, sip some cocoa, and join me, won't you?

NFL Weeks 1-6

1. Well, the first thing I want to get out of the way is my outright and unstoppable hatred of the quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. This is one of the most mindblowing events in sports history, and I don't know quite how to react. Has there ever been anything like this in professional sports? Ever? Didn't think so. So now, to Packers fans (like me; full disclosure) have this mentality:

We had the greatest dad in the world. He did cool things like hunt and fish and cuss and fart and he used to get reeeeeally messed up on booze and drugs, but even that's ok, since he's clean now. Last year, he wanted to separate from Mom. We love Mom more than anything and will support her over anyone else, but we kind of understood. Dad needed something more. He doesn't like to sit at home and watch TV every night. He'd rather be out playing poker with the guys or hanging out at his steakhouse. He really should be looking for a hotter piece of ass. Even though we love Mom.

Well, after the hot-ass New Yorker was done, we figured Dad would move back into the neighborhood. Maybe even patch things up with Mom. If not, at least he'd be around, not chasing poontang all over the Big Apple. But... what? He's getting re-married? To Mom's worst enemy? The slut in school that always tried to steal Mom's boyfriends, but could never land a serious relationship (i.e. go all the way)? How could he? And now they're opening a business together, and it's super successful, and... oh god, now they're kissing and fondling in public, right in front of Mom... oh god...

Yeah, so now you know how depressed the entire state of Wisconsin and various other patches of America are. Good times.

2. Moving on to happier items, let's look at the Tennessee Titans, who most recently got whacked in the balls 59 times in one single game. This is a complete systematic anomaly. The team is essentially the same one that won a whole shitcan full of games last season, and now they look like the Washington Generals. I've gone from feeling despondent to actively rooting for them to be as crappy as possible... to make the '08 Lions look like they were competent. If they really try, they can suck on a monumental level. There's no saving this season; you might as well try to be great at something. In this case, getting repeatedly whacked in the balls.

3. As of Week 6, the division leaders are Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Denver, New England, San Fransico, Minnesota, New Jersey Giants and New Orleans. So... whatever that means. I have this feeling that, by Week 8-9, the sports pundits will be acting like they were picking the Saints and the Broncos all along, and this is not anything to be surprised about. It's the old Detroit Tigers of '06 syndome again!

4. Peyton Manning can kiss my ass. Is there any use for him in those Sony commercials? Anything? Is his mere presence supposed to make Justin Timberlake funnier? Well, I tell you this, Mr. Manning. Justin Timberlake is PLENTY funny enough on his own. I said good day, sir!

5. Hmmm, 6 weeks in and I still miss Madden. I miss the eyebrows, and the witticisms, and the vodka smell you could almost get through the TV. Maybe he could get back together with Pat Summerall next season, and we could have them do a good ole fashioned drink off to see whose liver explodes first. I've got Summerall after 10 shots.

6. Speaking of drinking, if you took the collective blood alcohol level of the cities of Cleveland, Buffalo, and Kansas City on a random Sunday this season, which would be the drunkest? Is Dallas in the mix? Oakland? Discuss.


7. LeBron James and Shaquille O'Neal might give people a reason to watch the NBA this season. With the new-look Cavs going against the returning champion Lakers, and the Celtics trying to bounce back from a rough post-season last year, and the Bulls trying to establish themselves as a force in the Eastern Conference, and... hey! Is anyone listening? Hey! Ok, nobody cares. Moving on...


8. So, is it gonna be Yankees/Phillies or Yankees/Dodgers? It seems like this is going to be one of those years that the Yankees win the Series. These years used to happen frequently, and people just became immune to it. Now A-Rod can try to redeem himself for post-season failures and steroid-humping, and Jeter can jump into "Greatest of all time" discussions that will splatter all over ESPN like A-Rod on his first date with Kate Hudson. Meanwhile, the Dodgers can win and Manny will continue to look like he has no idea where he is. Either way, it'll be interesting.


9. Well, I think it's high time I got into Gossip Girl. Don't know why, and don't know why it's taken me this long, but I figure it's worth a shot. Rich, bitchy white kids living in uptown Manhattan that consistently engage in high-risk behavior, whilst spouting lingo that's so cool you've never even heard words like it: Count me in! Also, this helped.


10. I asked some friends about this, but I wanted to open it up to anyone who reads this blog. Is there anything worse than sitting on a warm toilet seat in a public bathroom? Yes, if it's wet it makes it worse, but if you look at the seat, it looks clean, no liquids scattered about, you go to sit down, and it feels like someone JUST got up about 3 seconds before... ugh.

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At 10/20/2009 12:35:00 PM, Blogger Mike said...

It's been a strange NFL season, but I've just come to expect it most years. I wouldn't be surprised if the Saints didn't make the playoffs, even after Sunday. The only thing we can could on now is bad teams, because owners make money regardless and have no need to put in the work of building a winning team.

The Titans have no heart and it makes me sick. I'd rather watch Vandy play the Patriots if they tried to win. Interesting to see everybody jump on the Fire Fisher bandwagon.

Peyton has actually stepped up and become clutch. I'm shocked, but there it is.

I was thinking it would be Yankees/Phillies before the Championship Series started, only because I don't know who would get excited about it. The Dodgers would be interesting against either team, not the Phillies. I think the Yanks look good, loose and on top of their game.

What the hell is Gossip Girl?

At 10/20/2009 01:32:00 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Gossip Girl is a show on the CW. It's a teen soap.

Yankees/Phillies would be an outstanding World Series. Because of the history, Dodgers/Yanks would be fun, the Battle of LA would be fun... But the Series that no one would care about outside their respective cities would be Angels/Phillies.

Yanks/Phils would be the ultimate power matchup, and I would hope it went 7 games, and on the 7th game, God would rest, and everyone on those two teams would get hurt, because I can't stand either of them.

I still say that being clutch in football requires 11 guys to do their jobs and Peyton's rep as a big game loser was undeserved for the most part. By the same token, Peyton could not all of the sudden be considered clutch once he won a Super Bowl because he didn't do much to orchestrate that win. The game against New England in the playoffs when they came back from that huge deficit sealed Peyton's fate in my mind that he could "step up."

I wish the best for Cleveland and Lebron...but acquiring Shaq is grasping at straws. Soon to join the Cavs: Allen Iverson, just because.

At 10/20/2009 03:19:00 PM, Blogger Mike said...

I think the QB is the leader of the offense, and Peyton's attitude was pretty negative and accusatory in the early years. It is NOT good for team unity to call the kicker a drunk, and after every big missed pass he blamed everybody else for mistakes. I don't think he's doing that anymore, unless I'm missing something. There seems to be a real attitude change to positivity. They're just a professional group, and I expect them to perform in key situations.

You know who brings his team down now? Cutler. I hate to say it, because I'm pulling hard for him, but he just looks so sad when things fail, and I think it hurts the team. I don't think it has much to do with momentum, but leadership.

At 10/20/2009 05:23:00 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Fair enough. Negativity and getting down on your teammates doesn't help the cause...but I don't think it's the main issue. If he was such a bad guy I don't see him developing such a rapport with Marvin Harrison and now Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark for all these years...and I don't think the offensive line would be so good at protecting him...or how nobody receivers suddenly become super threats with him as QB, if that was such a tremendous reason for their losing playoff which I don't see them playing without him.

It's true that Manning seemed to come down to Earth in some of those games...but I credit defenses more than I credit bad attitude or a sudden ineptitude in the face of a big game.

At 10/21/2009 08:33:00 PM, Anonymous Some Random Guy Not Named Peyton or Jeremy said...

Peyton Manning rules. His worst commercials are better than the best Troy Polamalu commercials.

Also, he pees gold, and healed a blind kid by rubbing mud in his eye.

These are all verifiable facts commonly accepted by smart people.

That is all


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