Fantasy Football

Or, how I went crazy like Gary Bussey.

I went to Wendy's today for lunch. The nice lady took my order with a smile. She took my money, gave me my change, and slid the food tray over to me with one final comment: "Why'd you think taking Peyton Manning in the first round was a smart idea?" (I guess everyone can just tell by looking that I'm a huge Colts fan, though I try my best to blend in with the Titan-ites here in Nashville).

I stammered for a second, surprised that she even knew I was involved in fantasy football. Then it struck me even more surprising because none of my leagues had drafted yet. That was the first clue that perhaps I'd only imagined the Wendy's girl and her critical prose. But, nevertheless, I shook it off as one of those random strange encounters and moved on with my lunch.

At the gas station afterwards, I stood in a short line behind some idiots (read: poor people with no money, but still interesting in spending what few dollars they have on a lottery ticket with a statistical chance of winning equal zero.) and then it was my turn to pay. "$20 on pump seven, please." The reply, "Sure, but it'll cost you your 4th round pick in the draft," was a bit more personal than I am used to that particular Mapco providing. "Why can't it just cost me the twenty bucks," I asked incredulously. "That's what I said, twenty dollars please."

Aha, the second clue that I was imagining things. Surely this is a sign that FANTASY FOOTBALL AND FOOTBALL IN GENERAL NEEDS TO START SOON SO I DON'T GO COMPLETELY CRAZY! I am officially obsessed with fantasy football, having now joined three leagues. Sadly, all three (including the one consisting of fellow L & N Liners) are discussing money as a part of the equation. There is no way I can really afford to pony up money for three leagues--and might even have a rough time of it with only one--see my above unsubtle joke about the lottery for my feelings on odds and gambling (not a moral or religious objection, mind you, but one based purely on intellect). Hopefully none of the leagues will collectively lynch me for being the "not too keen on spending my money" guy. That's a chance I have to take. I'd rather have $20 for food than the hope of a bigger prize I'll never win--but I'm pretty poor. Now if I had a million dollars? Well then I'd be in--and I'd also buy you a monkey.

I have no fewer than fifteen pages of my own writings compiled in anticipation of this fantasy season: random thoughts on draft strategy, personal player rankings, mock draft results, and expert advice. I have even begun the process of trying to write (with the help of a friend) a simple computer program to help me tabulate each week's results. By the way, I refuse to pay for Yahoo's stat-tracker crap when all the information I need is online and all the stat-tracker does is compile it into a real-time score--I shall hopefully compile my own score with my own program, saving yet another $10. Besides, that's half the fun, writing down all the players and their score and finding out how you've done before the day is even over.

And so that is why I currently find myself in a straight jacket of my own design. I signed up for fantasy football several weeks ago, and the anticipation that has built ever since is a direct result at having signed up too soon. But all will be fine in a few short hours, when league number one finally drafts. 12 teams, and I was the runner-up last year...which surely means I'm screwed this year.

But I have my ace in the hole (or up my sleeve....come to think of it, where did I put that blasted ace?!?!) in my personalized theory of fantasy drafting. And I will share it with you, so that you may either mock me for it or use it to your own gain: Every year there are players who are supposed to rule who actually end up sucking wind (last year, see Rich Gannon, see Michael Vick, see Peerless Price, see Jerry Rice, see a whole host of others). And every year there are players who are supposed to suck wind that end up kicking total tail (Rudi Johnson, anyone? Or Santana Moss?). So my theory applied is this: I will try and predict which guys are which, and either avoid this year's stinkers or take this year's dark horses earlier in the draft.

Genius, eh? Not so much. I know this means I'll make a few stupid picks during the draft. I can predict about as well as I can give birth. Last year I drafted a few players so bad I'm embarrased to admit it, but the theory is sound--someone will get a steal in the 7th round on a player who has yet to bust out...and I will try and be the one to get him. I just need to do a better Nostradamus impression.

So there's my two cents. Oh, and also that "running back by committee" is killing the sport for me purely by its negative contribution to my ability to win at fantasy football.