Shark Boy/Lava Girl

The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D (Director: Robert Rodriguez)

This is Rodriguez' 2005 counterpoint to Sin City. Rodriguez' son, Racer, is credited with co-writing the screenplay. I think he's 8.

Well, this sure is a bunch of crap. A movie made for the very young, but what do they know anyway? Toddlers would watch rainbows spar with lollipops and think it's the best thing ever. This movie is The Neverending Story combined with The Wizard of Oz. In The Neverending Story there was an antagonist called "The Nothing," which was basically a metaphor for a rapidly dwindling imagination as a young boy leaves behind his dreams and decides in early adolescence he's going to become something real like a sanitation engineer. No more time for dragons and lego forts, the boy, often a loser, finds his calling by reading books and believing strongly in fairy tales. In Shark Boy/Lava Girl, The Nothing could very well be a metaphor for the screenplay.

In this headache-inducing "3-D" adventure, in which you'll have to wear those red and blue tinted glasses to watch a movie completely bleached of color, we follow Max (Cayden Boyd), a kid who honestly believes he's spent time with kids named Shark Boy and Lava Girl. Everyone rightfully makes fun of the kid, especially asshole Linus (Jacob Davich), who steals Max's book full of dreams and ruins it. Then something happens. We find out Shark Boy and Lava Girl are real! And they've come to seek the assistance of Max because, after all, he's the one who created their now-dwindling world. So, prepare for an adventure that will say "It's real!" and "No, it's just a dream!" for nearly two hours. George Lopez plays like a hundred characters and voices. He's game, but his brain must have nearly hemorrhaged doing this movie.

So, yeah, like every boy in this movie is a total dickhead and unlikeable. Shark Boy (Taylor Lautner) has this constant scowl on his face and is always lashing out. I'm sure this is exactly how Max would imagine a hero of his--yet another person who doesn't like him. Then there's the chipper Lava Girl (Taylor Dooley--making two Taylors of two different genders in this flick). If I were 12, yeah, I'd do her.

Then you have David Arquette, looking like even this is beneath him. He and Kristin Davis ("Sex and the City") make a scorching pair of parents, let me say. The celluloid can barely contain the obvious mutual attraction they likely shared on set. If I were Courteney Cox, I'd be calling up former "Friend" Jennifer Aniston to see how it feels when someone usurps your man on set.

Somewhere in all this are tornadoes and an elementary class reacting to them like they're fruit flies, and more messages about following your dreams (but it's real!). It really is a bunch of bullshit. If this is what it takes to get a WGA card, sign me up. I'll write a script in crayon. Psychotic bunnies and killer khakis, and just remember to dream!