The Fog

The Fog (Director: Rupert Wainwright)

Wainwright directed the kid flick Blank Check, and then naturally, Stigmata. It should come as no surprise then that he also did a bunch of MC Hammer videos and Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em: The Movie. The Core's Cooper Layne wrote the screenplay, adapted from producers John Carpenter and Debra Hill's 1980 original, which Carpenter directed. This is the second Carpenter film to be remade this year, after Assault on Precinct 13. It's also the third horror remake of the year, four if you count The Ring Two.

I don't remember much about the 1980 original other than I liked it quite a bit, but the IMDb outlines that the original has the same plot that this update does. It's funny, though, I don't remember the plot being this ridiculous. Ghosts are pissed about something, probably George W. Bush, and they are traveling via fog to kill the residents of Antonio Bay, a town built on a leper colony. A terrible mistake. It's probably not in the brochure.

Nick Castle ("Smallville" stud Tom Welling...feel free to start singing, Somebody saaaaaaaave me), a character name that is based on a Carpenter collaborator who notably played "The Shape" in Halloween, is a fisherman who runs into his off/on again flame Elizabeth Williams ("Lost" babe Maggie Grace...just continue singing the "Smallville" tune, you won't be able to emulate the eerie violins of "Lost"...believe me, I've tried) and instantly have gratifying PG-13 shower sex. Elizabeth is haunted by dreams of people burning, probably the same ghosts that are all angry and can't get over it. Surely, none of this has anything to do with the forefathers of the town that the powers-that-be hope to recognize with a special ceremony...surely you jest.

So, people have to take cover or be skeletonized. And that pesky fog can find its way through cracks and stuff, so be sure to have plenty of caulk, or as radio DJ Stevie Wayne's (Selma Blair) son tries, plenty of scotch tape. Then there's some reasons for the attack that become painfully clear as diaries are read and drunken priests are listened to. And The Fog of 2005 has one of the dumbest endings in film history. This isn't the kind of incredulity that Mr. Garrison in "South Park" expresses towards Contact, "I spent 2 hours hoping to see the alien and all it was was her goddamn father," no...this is clearly less satisfying and IQ lowering. To paraphrase the principal from Billy Madison, "Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it."

Oh sure, there's a couple of scary parts. I won't lie to you, they were pretty cool. But once you get to the end, you'll believe you've been hypnotized. Note to director Rupert Wainwright: U Can't Touch This. Somebody saaaaaaave me!