Sports Notes

-The Steve McNair thing has been talked about to death, but here's my two cents. It was handled poorly, and at the same time it was pretty freaking hillarious when you get the visual image. Sorry, Steve, we can't let you in; I know you took us to the Superbowl and were Co-MVP a couple of years ago, but we're not letting you in. You might hurt yourself and sue us for 9 million dollars. Oh, that's what you're owed; well, that's conveinent isn't it? No, this isn't April Fools; it's April 3rd anyways, are you stupid or something? Hey, don't shoot the trainer. Floyd double dogged dared me to do this, how could I not? Glad you understand.

-Duke's Lacrosse season has been brought to an end after a stripper was raped. Wait isn't this Lacrosse? I thought only football players raped strippers. Trying to be one of the big boys; I see. The thing that gets me about this situation (And I'm not trying to make light of a rape), is that after the strippers were told they were going to have broomsticks jammed up a very uncomfortable area they walked away; smart move. But somehow these guys lured them back in. Those Lacrosse guys are sneaky.

-Barry Bonds has had an interesting start to the season. No one's letting Barry hit the ball, but a few have tried to hit him. In the season opener against San Diego, an idiot fan of the Padres tossed a syringe into left field. Not only was it stupid to get thrown out of a game you probably spent thirty or forty bucks to get into; if you're going to take this route couldn't you have done something a little smarter. Couldn't you have jumped on the field with your copy of "Game of Shadows" and asked Barry to sign it? Syringes are so old school. Even those people in the Dog Pound of Cleveland throwing their glass beer bottles on the field are looking at this going, dude, you trying to give someone aids, I don't get it. My favorite moment in my own warped mind was Barry's first at bat resulted in a ground rule double. The bottom of that same inning Mike Piaza's first at bat resulted in a home run. I was picturing Mike Piaza's thoughts, and they were, "Look who took the better steroids."

-Dante Culpepper had all of his charges dropped regarding the infamous drunken cruise ship the Vikings took out last season for some fun and games. I guess going to Miami has it's benefits. Miami has even more cruise ships he can get charges dropped for.

-So I can have Anna Benson in all my sports notes this year, I will mention that she has decided to give Kris another chance and bum it out in Baltimore. And in other news, I am one step farther away from having Anna Benson ruin my life. Have fun, Kris.

-R.A. Dickey tried out his new knuckle ball tonight against Detroit, and gave up six homeruns. There's nothing really interesting to report here, but I had to get Dickey in it somehow. You see, I played little league with R.A. Dickey, and the only homerun I ever hit in my little league career was off him. So, I just wanted to tell the Tigers, I didn't have to wait for his knuckleball, I took out the cheese beeatches. Hoo hah.

-The Braves/Dodgers and Cubs/Reds series resulted in something like 75 runs. Couldn't they have just set up tees and rested the pitchers? I'm just saying. If there was ever a time to push that ten run inning rule.

Until next time. I'm going to go make out with my cardboard cutout of Anna Benson. I will not, however, enjoy it. I'm not a sicko. Jesus, people, get your mind out of the gutters...What's that, Cardboard Anna? I'll be there in a second; Fuck! Women, what are you going to do?