Elevator Etiquette

I ride an elevator every day at work, as I park on the 10th floor of a garage 2 blocks from my office building. I've noticed a few things during my daily trips, and I'd like to get whomever reads this to adhere to a certain rule set applied to riding elevators.

1.) The Smell

I usually step into an elevator at around 7:00 to 7:30 am. This is apparently the hour that everyone in the 4x4 zone has poured any type of liquid upon themselves that can singe nose hairs at any distance. It may smell nice on you individually throughout the day, but when crammed in with six other people who smell differently, the combined odor is more akin to stale gasoline, marijuana, and whore all rolled into one.

Not that I would know.

Be courteous to others. Try not to douse yourself in aromas like Michael Madsen pouring gas on the cop in Resevoir Dogs. It's just not worth it.

2.) Farting

Is it ever acceptable to pass gas on a functional elevator, even if you are alone? NO. This is terrible elevator etiquette, and will manifest itself in horrible karma for the perpetrator in the future. Hold it until you are out of the elevator in a safe zone. I don't like talking about this, but it needs to be said.

(One more note on smell. It doesn't happen very often anymore, but occasionally a person gets on the elevator while smoking. Even as an occasional smoker, this is terrible ettiquette. The last thing I want to smell for 10 floors is the putrid funk of your "Black and Mild".)

3.) The Uglyvator

I've found that the attractivesness of the people I ride with in the morning has a direct correlation with what kind of day I have. More attractive = Better day. Uglyvator = Might as well go back home.

I have not, to this point, ever had a good day after riding on an uglyvator. For instance, yesterday I got on by myself on the 10th floor, minding my own business, when to my increasing horror, the elevator began to fill with: a little guy that resembled a disgruntled hobbit, a large black woman with with her ass crack spilling out over the top of her low-rise jeans, and a Chinese chick with sideburns. The day did not improve after that.

The Uglyvator can take your mood down to Absolute Zero. Beware. If caught in an uglyvator, do your best to avert your eyes either to the digital numbers of the floor count or the walls. Also avoid the smell as much as possible.

4.) Cell Phones and Ipods

This infuriates me on a number of levels. The first is the advent of the "hands free" cell phone. In this format, a person is now allowed to behave like they're insane, engaging in conversations with imaginary listeners. Nothing is more annoying than standing on the elevator with one other person, them saying "How's it going?" and you answering, only to realize that they're talking into a wire dangling from their ear to their nipples.

Second level is the person talking loudly into a phone in a crowded elevator. NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR BULLSHIT CONVERSATION ABOUT WHAT CASSEROLE YOU'RE TRYING OUT TONIGHT!!!" Can I make this any clearer?

The Ipods. Oh, the Ipods. If I see one more 55 year-old woman with Nickelback or Christina Aguilera blaring out of her ears for everyone to hear, I'm going to vomit on her face. Right there. I can do it on command in that situation. Just try me.

(deep breath)

5.) The Walk-on

This should be the easiest prinicple to grasp if you live in a modern human society. Wait until the elevator empties before stepping on to begin your journey. The exiting occupants have the right-of-way. I give full permission to anyone reading this to trample whomever tries to get on before you get off. Even if it's an old lady using a walker, she should know better. Push her, grab hair, kick in the shins - whatever you have to do. And if the old lady's still moving, finish her off with a pile-driver. Now go forth.

Cheers.