Sound Observations

Ok, I lied about last week's column. I ran out of time and didn't want to focus on last week with the upcoming games a day away. So away we go for December 4th.

NFL Week 13

A bit of a Titans slant for a second here:

1.) Hold on, is it actually called a bandwagon if the team is 5-7? I guess so, because the media has suddenly decided that the Titans are the best sub-.500 team in history, and some are stupidly saying Vince Young is Mike Vick combined with the poise of Tom Brady.

Not yet, but he's good. He's going to be really good. And you can count me as one of the schmucks that thought it was a mistake to take Young in the draft. I thought Cutler or Leinart were better, but look at the records:

Young - 5-4 as a starter (including wins over playoff-caliber teams like Indianapolis, Philadelphia, and New York) with a team that every major media outlet picked in the preseason to finish last in their division.

Leinart - 2-7 as a starter with a team that many foolish pundits picked AGAIN as the sleeper team this year in the NFC. Loaded with talent around him like Edgerrin James, Larry Fitzgerald, and Anquan Boldin, but can't seem to get the job done.

Cutler - Started his first game last night as a rookie for a 7-4 team bound for the playoffs, and promptly went 10-21, with 143 yards, two touchdowns and two nasty-looking interceptions. One of those touchdowns, as Cutler later noted, had nothing to do with him, as it was a short route and a long, pretty run by WR Brandon Marshall.

In short, no one has done more with less this season than Jeff Fisher

2.) Boy, I thought it was a forgone conclusion that Jeff Fisher was going to coach the Cowboys next year. I thought Bud Adams was sick of the losing and the crappy draft picks. The sports media can't be wrong, can they? Today everyone from Peter King to Michael Irvin are saying that Fisher's not going anywhere, like the possibility was never there.

I call this the newly minted "Detroit Tigers Syndrome," when the national sports media conveniently forgets that statements were casually made and assumptions were clear in the recent past, and behaves as if they had been calling the surprise team or story the entire time. The 2006 Tigers are the perfect example, when ESPN and SI decided around midseason that they were going to act like this was a perfectly normal situation, with Detroit leading by a zillion games in the AL Central, and not like it was one of the most bizarre and odds-defying team of the decade thus far.

The same thing is happening to Fisher. "We never said he was going anywhere!" When it was clearly assumed about 3 weeks ago that he was out of Nashville. Nice job boys. Keep up the shitty work.

3.) Ok, now that I'm finished with that rant, I can talk about the fact that Terry Bradshaw is absolutely, 100%, undeniably drunk during the FOX pregame shows this year. When they go out on the road and mix it up with the fans at around 9-10 am, apparently ol' T-Brad likes to have him a few before the broadcast. I really don't think he knows what he's saying anymore. He's capitalizing on his previous zany antics by saying "Well hell, they expect me to say anything at this point. Let's get fucked up!"

I'm positive he's going to be the next celebrity to go on a racist tirade and end up in rehab. Just watch. It's going to happen.

4.) Actual quote from yesterday's Titans/Colts broadcast by Dan Dierdorff: "You know, when the ball gets cold, and when it's a new ball, it gets a little hard to kick it, you know... with your foot."

Is he channeling Madden or sharing a pregame cocktail with Bradshaw? You decide.

5.) We're getting to the point in the season where some games are just absolutely meaningless to almost everybody, even the fans of the teams that are playing:

Pittsburgh beat Tampa.
Arizona beat St. Louis.
Philadelphia is playing Carolina tonight. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Who cares?

No offense to any fans of these teams, and I'm sure some people feel that way about Tennessee. But at least they're interesting to watch.

College Football

6.) Hurray! The bowl selections are out and nobody gives a rat's ass except for Florida. Because no one else has a shot at the national title. Awesome!

Hey, we should do this every year! Crown a preseason champion, then wait for a cluster-fuck of possibly equal teams to rise to the top, and pick one of them as the lucky lottery winner to lose to the already-crowned-preseason-favorite national champion. Screw those other teams that have a legitimate chance of winning that game. The Coaches Poll and the computers know better than them.

Does anyone remember a heavily-favored Miami team losing to a not-deserving Ohio State team in 2002? Is there a way to "settle it on the field?" Has everyone just accepted that college football is fucked? Hello? Anyone?

7.) Although it was fun to watch UCLA upset USC. I actually predicted that game, of course not in writing since I missed last week. (You can ask my wife, I promise.) At this point in the season, a team is playing to knock another team out of the national championship, not to actually have a chance to play for one.

8.) New motto for college football: "Our System Licks Monkey Balls! Catch the Fever!"

NBA Basketball

9.) What? What the hell's this category doing here? Who the fuck cares?

Well, I used to. I'm a self-described recovering NBA basketball junkie. I followed the games and teams religiously for about 15 years, then decided it wasn't worth it. I still love the playoffs, and LeBron will quite possibly be looked upon as the greatest athlete of our generation, but the regular season doesn't mean shit to me anymore. (sniff).

College Basketball

10.) Same thing goes here. While I'm a fanatic University of Louisville fan, I, like most other people in the nation, don't care about the rest of the teams in the NCAA until the tournament. It's just the way it goes.

Miscellaneous

11.) I hate walking down long hallways. It's a trap. I work around a hospital with many long hallways, and I always run into the following awkward situation:

When is it appropriate to speak/make eye contact?

Even if you know the person, you can't start talking or smiling too soon, because then you're stuck in this uncomfortable stare-off for the remainder of the impending contact. It seems like forever. You can walk faster, but it doesn't seem like you'll ever get to them. Start looking out the windows, stare at your shoes, check your watch, anything to avoid this clumsy exchange from afar.

If you don't know the person, it can be even worse. Especially if the person's a smile whore. These are the people that have to verbalize "Good morning," or "How are you?" and smile to validate their existence. These are the worst people in our society, and should be hunted and killed like the animals they are.

Tell you what, the next time one of these people asks you how you are, make sure to stop them, and describe a particularly bothersome sore on your genitalia that gets aggravated and emits a foul odor when you walk, so you need a chance to stop and talk so the sore doesn't get further inflamed or infected. With a bit of luck, the person will be tainted for life, and will never ask another person how they are. Moral victories, people.