Strip Club Songs
I was reading the Bill Simmons/Sports Guy chat from yesterday on ESPN.com, and there was a question posed regarding the worst strip club songs to be playing while getting a lap dance. The original query came from a dude that somehow made it through a lap dance with a straight face with Styx's "Mr. Roboto" bumping in the background. With that in mind, I composed a list of the worst strip club songs. This list includes the tunes that would make a man cringe, even when imagining a hot girl grinding on top of him.
One caveat: I'm not saying that any man would refuse the lap dance if these songs came on. Usually, when a dude is supercharged like that, it would take a nuclear explosion or his mom to walk to break the concentration. So onward we go, in no particular order:
Worst Strip Club/Lap Dance songs ever
1.) "White and Nerdy" - Wierd Al Yankovic
Basically any of his tunes would qualify for this list, but this is one of his best and most recognizable, so it would be difficult to completely block out the lyrics. Not the sexiest image you want, with lyrics like "I'm whiter than sour cream".
2.) "Afternoon Delight" - Starland Vocal Band
A sleeper, because the sentiment is actually quite sexy. However, when an ode to day nookie is wrapped in the gooey texture that is seventies-era folk-rock, it becomes easily mockable and difficult to relax to simultaneous gyrations on your wang.
3.) "November Rain" - Guns 'N' Roses
Normally any G & R song would be ideal for this environment, but this song kind of sucks the life out of any room, especially if the image of Axl Rose waking up drenched in sweat pops into your head. Yecch.
4.) "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion
I'm sure no one ahs EVER thought to play this at a strip club, but just in case, as a cautionary warning, it makes the list
5.) "Tiny Bubbles" - Don Ho
No cheese allowed, even for ironic purposes
6.) "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" - Tiny Tim
Does that need any explanation? Creepy.
7.) "Everybody Hurts" - REM
Ok, this is a ripoff from one of the responses in the ESPN chat, but I can't ignore the sheer weight of the concept. Could you imagine a hot dancer straddling you, ready to go, and this song comes on? By the end, you'd be holding each other crying, with that body glitter all over you and the bouncer about to kick your ass. Terrible scene.
8.) "I Got a Girl" - Tripping Daisy
One of the most annoying songs from the '90's would be even more atrocious in this environment. If you haven't heard it, you really should take a look at the video linked above. (Side note: The lead singer from Tripping Daisy went on to form the inspirational and sun-worshipping cult/band the Polyphonic Spree.)
9.) "Instanbul" - They Might Be Giants
Highbrow, Schoolhouse Rock-inspired alt-rock mixed with big titties in your face? Doesn't work for me. The nerds might like it, though.
10.) "Time, Love And Tenderness" - Michael Bolton
If any strip club DJ has this in his collection, he should be immediately castrated. One of the worst songs in history becomes exponentially worse in this scenario. Cheese on top of cheese deserves only the worst treatment. If this song were playing during my lap dance, I'd vomit on the stripper and demand a refund. And not feel bad about doing either.
Another note about this song. The YouTube video that's linked is quite possibly the funniest shit I've ever seen.
Honorable mention - "Make 'Em Say Uhh" - Master P, "You Are Not Alone" - Michael Jackson, "Love Hurts" - Nazareth, "Every Time" - Brittany Spears, "You're Beautiful" - James Blunt,
One last note: I haven't been writing for a while, since Sound Observations quit after the football season. I'll be back for a weekly posting around training camps/preseason for football and basketball rants, as well as the other crap that pops into my head.
Before that, I'll be back with a list of the best strip club songs ever. No AC/DC, Nelly, or Black-Eyed Peas will be allowed.
What do you guys think? This list could be a mile long.