Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Strip Club Songs

I was reading the Bill Simmons/Sports Guy chat from yesterday on, and there was a question posed regarding the worst strip club songs to be playing while getting a lap dance. The original query came from a dude that somehow made it through a lap dance with a straight face with Styx's "Mr. Roboto" bumping in the background. With that in mind, I composed a list of the worst strip club songs. This list includes the tunes that would make a man cringe, even when imagining a hot girl grinding on top of him.

One caveat: I'm not saying that any man would refuse the lap dance if these songs came on. Usually, when a dude is supercharged like that, it would take a nuclear explosion or his mom to walk to break the concentration. So onward we go, in no particular order:

Worst Strip Club/Lap Dance songs ever

1.) "White and Nerdy" - Wierd Al Yankovic

Basically any of his tunes would qualify for this list, but this is one of his best and most recognizable, so it would be difficult to completely block out the lyrics. Not the sexiest image you want, with lyrics like "I'm whiter than sour cream".

2.) "Afternoon Delight" - Starland Vocal Band

A sleeper, because the sentiment is actually quite sexy. However, when an ode to day nookie is wrapped in the gooey texture that is seventies-era folk-rock, it becomes easily mockable and difficult to relax to simultaneous gyrations on your wang.

3.) "November Rain" - Guns 'N' Roses

Normally any G & R song would be ideal for this environment, but this song kind of sucks the life out of any room, especially if the image of Axl Rose waking up drenched in sweat pops into your head. Yecch.

4.) "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion

I'm sure no one ahs EVER thought to play this at a strip club, but just in case, as a cautionary warning, it makes the list

5.) "Tiny Bubbles" - Don Ho

No cheese allowed, even for ironic purposes

6.) "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" - Tiny Tim
Does that need any explanation? Creepy.

7.) "Everybody Hurts" - REM

Ok, this is a ripoff from one of the responses in the ESPN chat, but I can't ignore the sheer weight of the concept. Could you imagine a hot dancer straddling you, ready to go, and this song comes on? By the end, you'd be holding each other crying, with that body glitter all over you and the bouncer about to kick your ass. Terrible scene.

8.) "I Got a Girl" - Tripping Daisy

One of the most annoying songs from the '90's would be even more atrocious in this environment. If you haven't heard it, you really should take a look at the video linked above. (Side note: The lead singer from Tripping Daisy went on to form the inspirational and sun-worshipping cult/band the Polyphonic Spree.)

9.) "Instanbul" - They Might Be Giants

Highbrow, Schoolhouse Rock-inspired alt-rock mixed with big titties in your face? Doesn't work for me. The nerds might like it, though.

10.) "Time, Love And Tenderness" - Michael Bolton

If any strip club DJ has this in his collection, he should be immediately castrated. One of the worst songs in history becomes exponentially worse in this scenario. Cheese on top of cheese deserves only the worst treatment. If this song were playing during my lap dance, I'd vomit on the stripper and demand a refund. And not feel bad about doing either.
Another note about this song. The YouTube video that's linked is quite possibly the funniest shit I've ever seen.

Honorable mention - "Make 'Em Say Uhh" - Master P, "You Are Not Alone" - Michael Jackson, "Love Hurts" - Nazareth, "Every Time" - Brittany Spears, "You're Beautiful" - James Blunt,

One last note: I haven't been writing for a while, since Sound Observations quit after the football season. I'll be back for a weekly posting around training camps/preseason for football and basketball rants, as well as the other crap that pops into my head.
Before that, I'll be back with a list of the best strip club songs ever. No AC/DC, Nelly, or Black-Eyed Peas will be allowed.
What do you guys think? This list could be a mile long.


At 7/03/2007 04:26:00 PM, Blogger Big Mac said...

I saw the Simmons strip club comments and a friend of mine and I immediately started discussing the best/worst strip club songs. I googled worst strip club song and you popped up first. Congrats! Anyways we've agreed that the best song for a bachelor party visit to a strip club is White Wedding, and for a regular visit, Pour Some Sugar on Me. I also threw out Umbrella as a good option for new songs, that is if Rihanna was giving the lapdance. As far as worst, how could it get any worse than It's Raining Men?

At 7/06/2007 12:17:00 PM, Blogger Big Mac said...

Ok so I found one that could be worse than Raining Men. What about We Are Family? That would just be wrong

At 7/06/2007 03:45:00 PM, Blogger Doc said...

Dear god, Mac. you're throwing in some crazy stuff into the mix. I agree though, the entire disco era really should be outlawed from the club, along with "Dueling Banjos" from Deliverance. I would think it'd be hard to dance to.

At 4/10/2008 04:29:00 PM, Anonymous jeff said...

again most of those song are kinda old and dont't play anymore in stripper club..
strippers are mostly young women listening to house, trance, new rock and hip hop music.

At 8/06/2009 02:41:00 AM, Anonymous Mayo said...

Lola, dude looks like a lady, who let the dogs out didn't make the list?


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