35 YEARS OF POP CULTURE - 50 WORST SEQUELS
If you need to read the intro about my year long retrospective you can scroll down a bit or just click here.
When I was going through all of the movies released over the last 35 years that I consider the worst of the worst I realized something; if I just made a general worst list it would pretty much all be sequels. Because if there was one thing the past 35 years has given us in abundance, it's a lot of shitty sequels.
So, I have decided to divide up my "Worst of Movies" list into a few sections; the first of which is the sequels' list. I had to set up a couple of guidelines. First, the movies had to have played at least initially in theaters. There is way too much direct to video/dvd nonsense (and I've unfortunately seen a lot of it); it would make this list nearly impossible to keep to just 50. So, Leprechaun in Space or Leprechaun in the Hood if you prefer will not be on this list even though both of those films completely deserve to be. Second, I have decided to limit myself to one film per series. This whole list could have seriously just been Friday the 13th and Police Academy movies, so in certain series I just had to pick the worst of the worst.
Also, obviously (and I will try not to repeat this every time because I assume that most people reading this are of average intelligence), I haven't seen everything. So here's a list of universally panned sequels over the past 35 years that I have yet to witness (and probably never will), so when you ask why wasn't that on the list? You now have an answer: Smokey and the Bandit 2 and 3, Death Wish 2-5, Porky's 2-3, Missing in Action 2-3, Arthur 2, Problem Child 2, Return to the Blue Lagoon, 102 Dalmatians, Next Friday, Crocodile Dundee in L.A., Men in Black 2, Analyze That, Meet the Fockers, Little Fockers, Look Who's Talking Now, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Son of the Mask, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Big Momma's House 2, Basic Instinct 2, The Grudge 2, Van Wilder 2, High School Musical III, Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakul, Sex and the City 2, Dumb and Dumberer, Lara Croft - Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, Pink Panther 2 (2009), and 2010: The Year We Make Contact.
On to the Fun Part...
50. ESCAPE FROM L.A. (1996) - If there was ever a film to show John Carpenter just didn't give a damn anymore, look no further than his sequel to his 1981 hit, Escape from New York. Snake Plissken (one of the greatest creations in the history of film) is neutered beyond repair in what is basically a modern update of the original. Although, not sure if modern is the correct term. Basically instead of everyone saying "I thought you were dead," they say "I thought you were taller." Instead of boxing there's basketball, etc. And the trendy Los Angeles satire is broad minded and not funny; wait till you see Beverly Hills and the people that have had had way too much plastic surgery. Oh, and Peter Fonda surfs at one point for some reason. This movie ended up barely making back Kurt Russell's salary (around 10 million), so apparently I'm not alone in this assessment.
49. HANNIBAL (2001) - In all fairness, this could have been a lot worse, and it's a hell of a lot better than the novel it's based on. However, it's still a pile of shit. It's debatable as to whether or not Julianne Moore is a better actress than Jodie Foster, but she's not a better Clairice Starling (her attempt at a Southern accent is enough to make this list). Lecter is much more menacing behind bars, and Gary Oldman's over the top villain doesn't help matters. Also, the eating of Ray Liotta's brain while he's still alert just has to be seen to be believed.
48. AIRPLANE 2: THE SEQUEL (1982) - Surprisingly there were quite a few decent sequels made to parodies over the past 35 years (Naked Gun 2 1/2, Hot Shots Part Deux, etc.), but this isn't one of them. Part of the problem is none of the original creative team is around to help out, and the bigger problem is it's not funny. That's a pretty detrimental when dealing with a comedy.
47. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END (2007) - This movie is a prime example of why sequels are rarely a good idea. It's the art of over indulgence; take everything that worked in the first two films (I actually kind of like the 2nd one) and make it a lot bigger. Bigger is rarely better when it comes to films, and this is an eye opening testament to that assessment.
46. BLADE: TRINITY (2004) - David Goyer is a decent writer, and the first two films in the series take his reasonably strong scripts and combine them with talented filmmakers (Stephen Norrington and Guillermo Del Toro). However, Goyer is not a very good director, and his script for this film (whether or not there is one is debatable) is the weakest of the bunch which doesn't help matters. Add in a ton of overacting (Ryan Reynolds, Parker Posey) and a pissed off main star (Wesley Snipes), and you get a train wreck, but it's not a fun one. The decision to use slow motion in an establishing shot of Jessica Alba hooking up her ipod is just one lovely example of why this movie sucks.
45. MOONRAKER (1979) - There are plenty of bad James Bond movies in this period (A View to a Kill, Never Say Never Again, For Your Eyes Only, Tomorrow Never Dies, Living Daylights), but none even come close to Moonraker. Rarely does the high concept work this poorly (James Bond in space). This was of course MGM's answer to the popularity of the Space Opera (Star Wars, Star Trek) in the 70's, and it didn't work. And it commits the worst sin a James Bond movie could commit, it's fucking boring.
44. STAR TREK V - THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989) - Talk about high concept blowing up in your face - Spock's half brother (Laurence Luckinbill) takes the Enterprise crew hostage so they can take him to meet up with...wait for it...GOD!!! And they find him (well sort of). Shatner's decree of "Why do you need a ship? You're God!" is kind of funny, but it doesn't even remotely help save this mess of a movie. Star Trek has done plenty of things wrong with their franchise, but the fact that this didn't put the final nail in the coffin is more amazing than anything else that came before or after in the franchise.
43. THE TWO JAKES (1990) - Maybe this could have been worse, but every time I think about this movie I just think: THEY FUCKING MADE A SEQUEL TO CHINATOWN! And to make it even worse, Jack Nicholson made the damn movie; he should fucking know better.
42. MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE II (2000) - John Woo, without a leash, gets you a lot of white doves, a ridiculous amount of slow motion, and a bunch of masks. Seriously, I still don't know who's who in this movie. They just keep taking off masks; it's weird and not good.
41. BEVERLY HILLS COP III (1994) - I actually kind of like the second BHC movie, but I understand people's complaints that Eddie Murphy needed to be a little more restrained. However, in BHC III they actually needed to let him loose. Murphy is just so damn dull in this movie. A serious minded BHC movie is not a pretty sight, and there was so much that could have been done with the setting at the amusement park, and director, John Landis, takes advantage of none of it. In fact, this looks like the most boring amusement park ever; who the fuck would go to this place? Maybe that's how drug smugglers were able to run their operation out of it.
40. BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997) - I thought for sure this would be higher up on the list. This use to be my token answer for "What's your least favorite movie of all time." But it's professionally made (which can be said for very few of the remaining films), and it just doesn't suck as bad as the ones that come after it on this list. But it still sucks. Teaming up Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy makes no sense from a political standpoint (one wants to freeze things, and one wants to keep everything green), and there's a fucking "Bat Credit Card." And I wasn't a huge fan of Tim Burton's overly Gothic look in his two Batman films, but Joel Schumacer's Las Vegas revue show wasn't much of an improvement. And oh my God, the one liners! "You won't put me in the freezer." Maybe this should have been higher on the list.
39. TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - There actually are moments in this film that work in a fun stupid action movie kind of way. But then the rest of it is just overdone, not funny even though it tries very hard to be, and borderline racist. And it's almost three hours long; there is not an action movie that ever deserves to be this freaking long. Also, I never thought I could get tired of cleavage, so thanks Michael Bay you took away my love of breasts for a couple of hours. Asshole.
38. RUSH HOUR 2 (2001) - If Eddie Murphy needed to be restrained in Beverly Hills Cop II then what the hell did Chris Tucker need to do in this sequel. Quite possibly the most annoying performance in the history of film. And much like Escape from L.A., this is just a retread of the first Rush Hour movie (which is no one's Escape from New York) but set in a different geographical location. They even have Jackie Chan doing a broken English version of Chris Tucker's famous line from the first film: "Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?" Embarrassing for all involved.
37. CHILD'S PLAY III (1991) - As bad as Seed of Chucky is, Child's Play III somehow manages to be worse. My favorite part comes at the big finale which takes place in this ridiculously over sized traveling carnival fun house. It's really amazing that the first Child's Play holds up so well because miniature killers just aren't that menacing (See Puppet Master, Demonic Toys, Dolly Dearest, or the other Child's Play sequels), and Child's Play III is the worst of the bunch.
36. GREASE 2 (1982) - Yet again another sequel that just remakes the first film, but changes a few key elements. Here, the John Travolta character (Maxwell Caulfield) is the dork that has to prove himself, and the Olivia Newton John character (Michelle Pfeiffer in her debut) is the popular one. The original Grease really doesn't hold up that well (imo), but it's The Godfather compared to this dreck. The songs are awful, and with the exception of Pfeiffer the acting is ridiculous. There is a reason Adrian Zmed never became a star, and Grease 2 is a shining example. A funny side note - on the wikipedia page for this movie, the creators claim that their musical number in the bowling alley ("Score Tonight") made the sport popular again.
35. BAD NEWS BEARS IN BREAKING TRAINING (1977) - The Bad News Bears without Walter Matthau and Tatum O'Neal just doesn't work on any level. Not that either one of those actors could have saved this movie. The final game played in the Astro Dome should have given the movie a grand scale to work with, but the whole thing is shot in such a poor manner that it just looks amateurish. This has to be the least exciting "Big Game" moment in any sports movie. It's funny to note that the chant at the end of this movie ("Let them Play!") was screamed by many pissed off baseball fans at the All-Star game from a few years ago that ended in a tie.
34. SHORT CIRCUIT 2 (1988) - 1988 is probably the first year that sequelitis really took hold, and Short Circuit 2 is one of many horrible outings that took place in this year. They couldn't even get freaking Guttenberg or Ally Sheedy back for this. We just get Fisher Stevens playing his caricature of an Indian person that makes Mickey Rooney's Chinese man in Breakfast at Tiffany's look tame in comparison. You should really check out the imdb page there is a fan review that calls this movie "A Modern day masterpiece, and a unique twist on the classic Frankenstein theme." I really can't find anywhere in the review that remotely reveals sarcasm, but I guess every movie has to have its fans.
33. THE MUMMY - THE TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (2008) - This is a movie that really should work; a unique Asian theme brought into the mummy lore with Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh together on screen. And the first two films in the series (while not groundbreaking) are a lot more fun than they should be. But it just doesn't work at all. Brendan Frasier is at his campy worst and Luke Ford is just an awful actor. And Maria Bello replaces Rachel Weisz and gives possibly the worst British accent in the history of cinema. Seriously, the movie is just that bad.
32. HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK (1992) - I still don't understand how the first Home Alone made as much money as it did; it's fine but a "Holiday Standard" it should not be. But the sequel making money is even more annoying. Everyone from the first film conveniently ends up in New York, including Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern's bumbling crooks, and the kid gets lost again. Obviously, these are the worst parents ever, and I'm not sure how that equals holiday cheer.
31. TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE (2010) - This movie, like the books, is just a hodgepodge of random scenes that don't add up to much. The storyline is just a connect the dots version of every love story ever told. In this case it's choosing between a vampire and a werewolf, but it could just as easily be an emo kid vs. the jock. And how can anyone be on Team Edward anyways? When this series starts out he's a freaking pedophile. Someone explain how that's not the case. Really this and the first sequel, New Moon, are a toss up, but at least that one had Michael Sheen.
30. ROBOCOP III (1993) - When you can't get Peter Weller to come do your sequel, then why bother? And was Nancy Allen more hard up for cash than Weller? Robocop is not a character that lends himself to multiple movies; he's pretty bland and uninteresting; the reason the first one worked was mostly due to Veerhoven's timely satire at the media conglomerates of the time. Robocop III is just a boring ass action/sci-fi movie that the nineties was so good at producing on a weekly basis.
29. SAW V (2008) - A Saw movie had to be on here somewhere, and while I can see the argument for Saw IV and maybe even Saw VI (or what I like to call Michael Moore's Saw), V was just flat out dull. And I still can't figure out how killing Jigsaw so early on seemed like a good idea. What little the movies had going for them relied solely on the character and Tobin Bell's haunting performance. Instead we have Costas Mandylor; who thought that was a good idea? And how do you waste a perfectly good actor like Scott Patterson? I still can't believe this is the highest grossing horror series.
28. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS (1997) - I would have loved to been in the pitch meeting where a sequel was green lit to a movie from 16 years earlier and the most genius thing they could come up with was moving the setting from London to Paris. You know there are so many talented starving screenplay writers out there because shit like this that nobody wants to see gets made; it's enough to make you cry.
27. TRAIL OF THE PINK PANTHER (1982) - I love that the fact that Peter Sellers was dead, and this movie was still made with him as the lead. They just put together a bunch of outtakes from the previous films and used a lot of stand-ins that looked nothing like Sellers. It probably should be higher up on the list, but the audacity of it makes it beautiful in a weird sort of morbid way.
26. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 5: THE DREAM CHILD (1989) - I'm not one for gore even though I'm a big horror movie fan, and I don't love seeing people die onscreen by any means, but I find it very weird how little of either of those things happen in this Nightmare on Elm Street entry. I think only 3 people eat it in this film, and the dream sequences are extremely dull. Super Freddy has to be the dumbest concept ever in the series. 1989 had three awful entries in three of the most popular horror franchises (Jason Takes Manhattan and the Revenge of Michael Myers were the other two), but The Dream Child is by far the worst of the bunch, and that's saying something.
25. GRAFFITI BRIDGE (1990) - Making a sequel to Purple Rain (which is a horrible film that strangely has a ton of fans) is bad enough, but how anyone ever thought this movie worked is beyond me. If you need proof of Kevin Smith's rants about how fucked in the head Prince is in real life, then look no further than this movie.
24. HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING (1991) - The worst crime you can commit after giving your sequel such a strange title is not ever explaining what the fuck a Quickening is. And I still can't figure out why Sean Connery has to be a Spaniard; why can't he just be Scottish? That's the accent you're going to get no matter what nationality you make him. And I want to meet the person that pitched Christopher Lambert as a star and got him some decent sized roles there for awhile.
23. ANOTHER STAKEOUT (1993) - The original Stakeout is actually a pretty damn good action yarn from the 80's (when the best action yarns were made), but the sequel is typical 90's action - it sucks. Richard Dreyfuss has no qualms about admitting the majority of his work has to do with the paycheck, but I still can't figure out how this movie got green lit. Was anyone hammering for a sequel to Stakeout seven years later. Well, I saw it, so I guess maybe I was. Oh, and Rosie O'Donnel's in it if you needed even more proof of how much it blows.
22. LOOK WHO'S TALKING TOO (1990) - The first "Look Who's Talking" might be the only talking baby movie (well I guess it's more like out loud thinking baby) that works. The sequel is like every other talking baby movie; it doesn't work at all.
21. TEEN WOLF TOO (1987) - The fact that you could actually make a movie worse than Teen Wolf is pretty damn amazing in its own right. The reason many of us thirty-somethings are shocked at the resurrection of Jason Bateman's career is all because of this shitty film.
20. POLICE ACADEMY 2 (1985) - Really any of the Police Academy sequels could be on this list; they are interchangeable. And the original sucks a lot of ass as well. However, this one pisses me off more than the rest for some reason. I think part of it is that with inflation its gross would be well over 100 million in today's dollars. That's just ridiculous. Oh, and Bobcat Goldthwait is the fucking villain.
19. CANNONBALL RUN II (1983) - It brings a tear to my eye when I think that this was the final pairing of the original Rat Pack. And it's movies like this that make me realize I will just never understand the popularity of Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise.
18. JEWEL OF THE NILE (1985) - What makes this movie more annoying than most on the list is I truly believe that there could have been a great sequel made to Romancing the Stone. If the studio gave Robert Zemeckis and company a couple of years to work something out I think it could have been really good. But instead they rushed it into prodcution, hired Lewis Teague as director, and released it a little less than a year after the first one. Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Danny Devito were all contractually obligated to make this movie, and you can see their disinterest the whole way through which doesn't help matters. Jewel is a prime example of how the studio system can really suck a lot of the time.
17. REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: NERDS IN PARADISE (1987) - Revenge of the Nerds is a charming enough comedy that holds up pretty well, but Nerds in Paradise is as bad if not worse than all of the Nerds clones that came after it. An early peformance by Bradley Whitford makes for an interesting footnote on what is otherwise a forgettable 80's sex comedy (there were so many of them).
16. X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE (2008) - The final nail was driven into the X-Files franchise in this 2008 film. Making it a stand-alone film and getting away from the ridiculous mythology that just kiled the series in its last couple of seasons was a great idea. Making it yet another "Saw" clone was however not a good idea, and I can't figure out why Chris Carter would have thought otherwise.
15. I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (1998) - When the wrong answer to a trivia question is what drives your plot into action, you know you are in for a doozy. Where the first film was an unexceptional yet still professional jaunt in the teen horror genre, the sequel is a 180 spiral into slasher sequel oblivion that so many better films have ventured before. I use the term better loosely, but still if that's not enough for you; well, you get Jack Black as a drug dealing pool boy with dreads and a twist that stretches the imagination quite painfully ("Get it? Will Benson? Ben's Son?") Yeah, seriously! That just happened!
14. BAD BOYS II (2003) - So remember that thing about Transformers where I said there should never be an action movie that's almost 3 hours; Michael Bay had already breached this problem a mere six years earlier with this ridiculous sequel. This film has actually developed a bit of a cult following; many people speak of how it's the cruelest movie ever made and how somehow this makes it a thing of beauty or some such nonsense. I tried watching it again with that ludicrous thought in mind, and I hated it even more. There is this one sequence where Will Smith and Martin Lawerence berate a possible suitor for one of Lawerence's daughters and it goes on for about ten minutes; it's enough to make you want to pull every last hair out of your head and then force feed it all to Bay. And if there was ever any proof that Bay needs to stay away from trying to do any kind of comedy; there are not one but two sequences of an above ground pool falling apart. Oh, the hilarity.
13. THE NEXT KARATE KID (1994) - It's The Karate Kid with a girl instead of a guy. And when I say it's The Karate Kid, I mean it's the exact same freaking film except it's a girl instead of a guy. I'm not saying a girl can't learn Karate, and I'm not saying a movie couldn't be made about the sport with a female lead, but this isn't it. The most impressive thing about this movie is it manages to be worse than The Karate Kid Part III; that's an impressive feat indeed.
12. BLUES BROTHERS 2000 (1998) - Let's overlook the fact that a movie with 2000 in the title was released in 1998. Let's overlook the fact that the 2000 really has nothing at all to do with the film. Let's not overlook the fact that Dan Aykroyd (who at some point had some talent; I've just forgotten when that was) wrote the damn thing and thought 'this is something I should be involved with.' I can't, however, overlook the fact that this is a Blues Brothers movie with a lot of really bad music and there's not a single joke that works in the whole thing. I also can't overlook the fact that now John Landis is tied with Michael Bay for having two films on my list.
11. THE HILLS HAVE EYES PART 2 (1985) - This is less a movie and more a movie with a bunch of flashbacks to the first film from 1977. Even the dog has a flashback; let me reiterate that statement: THE DOG HAS A FLASHBACK! This is pretty interchangeable with the other Hills Have Eyes Part II that came out in 2007; the only reason this one gets the prize is...well...THE DOG HAS A FUCKING FLASHBACK!
10. POLTERGEIST III (1988) - We are hitting the home stretch, and there is nothing better to lead us off than freaking Poltergeist III. It's amazing that with none of the returning production crew or writers from the first one that the second movie worked at all, but at least in that one you still had the family unit intact. Here you just have Carol Ann (Heather O'Rourke) returning; she's staying with some family members, and the ghosts decide to follow her, and it doesn't work. The film is really more boring than anything else, but the film is of course most notorious for O'Rourke passing away while making the film. An urban legend of sorts started about whether or not that is O'Rourke's lifeless corpse that Nancy Allen is hugging at the end of the movie. So not only does this movie suck, but people are also very gullible and stupid.
9. HALLOWEEN - CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (1995) - Ah yes, the always fun installment of a horror series where they give us an origin for our favorite mass murderer, and we get to learn exactly why he loves to kill everyone in his path. In the case of Michael Myers, there is this Druid constellation that appears every Halloween they feel like making a sequel. What's sad is it's actually worse than it sounds. There are other bad Halloween sequels for sure (Resurrection anyone?), but this is just the sloppiest of the bunch. And poor Donald Pleasance; this was his last film (He, like O'Rourke died while filming). This film also introduced us to Dimension Films' love of cutting films in post-production to the point where they make absolutely no sense. They even intercut a scene from a Hellraiser sequel at one point, and nobody noticed. That speaks volumes.
8. ROCKY V (1990) - I guess after Rocky ended the Cold War with his fists and a few nicely placed musical montages in the last film they had nowhere to go but down. Taking Rocky back to his roots must have sounded like so much fun, but it wasn't, and I don't know why they ever thought that. Instead of a larger than life supervillain like Clubber Lang or Ivan Drago we get street fighter Tommy Gunn (real life boxer Tommy Morrison in arguably the worst acting debut ever) and instead of a big fight at the end in a boxing ring we get a strangely choreographed street fight. So they made a Rocky movie without a big fight at the end. What the fuck were they thinking? At least Stallone somewhat redeemed himself many years later with Rocky Balboa. He lost that redemption last year with The Expendables, however.
7. CADDYSHACK II (1988) - I told you 1988 had a lot of shitty sequels, and here's another one to throw on the fire. I never realized how funny Rodney Dangerfield was in the first installment until I saw Jackie Mason attempting to do the same schtick (but with more of a Jewish flavor) in the sequel. Dan Aykroyd (a favorite on this list) also pops up kind of doing his own Bill Murray but not as successfull; go figure. And there is a big golf match on what is essentially a big minature golf course, and Jonathan Silverman does something stupid in the movie. I wonder if Silverman looks at Jason Bateman's current career renaissance and thinks: "Damn! That could be me." And then I guess he realizes he made a sequel that was actually worse than Teen Wolf Too. The line has to be drawn somewhere.
6. THE CROW: CITY OF ANGELS (1996) - God! I had never felt like clawing my eyes out before I watched this monstrosity. While the original film is not innocent of being a little too overdramatic at times, the sequel takes that to a much higher level. The whole thing is souped up in gothic angst and just looks like something that got shit out of the worst Marilyn Manson album. I really hated the whole Goth movement, and the Goth movement hated this movie, so what does that tell you?
5. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III (1982) - Also knows as Friday the 13th 3D or the one where the credits shot out of the screen at you with a disco rendition of the main theme. While Part V (A New Beginning) is awful it has some groundhouse appeal, and yes, Jason X is a piece of ugly digital shit, but it does have Jason in space (actually, that helps it none). Still, Part III always chaps my ass the most. It could be because it's an hour and a half slasher movie that takes an hour to introduce us to all of our cast, and there is a lot of people to off in that last half hour. It could also be because they actually manage to make a food stamp reference (No, really, that happens) to ridicule a Puerto Rican character that doesn't look remotely Puerto Rican. It could also be because of the 3D gimmick amounts to a bunch of people poking stuff at the screen, and we also get to see a dude take a dump in three dimensions. I hate it for all those reasons and more; so many more.
4. EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977) - I know what you're thinking if this is four, what kind of shit did I rediscover for the final three. Oh, just you wait. But as for The Exorcist II. I've seen this movie for some goddamn reason three or four times, and I still have no clue what the hell it's about. There's something about Regan (Linda Blair) being hypnotized by a bunch of crackpots (Louise Fletcher and Richard Burton amongst others) and the demon, Pazuzu, emerges yet again. Couldn't they have just left well enough alone. There's also a bunch of flies or something at some point, or maybe it's a moth. Christ! I really don't know. I really have no clue what this movie is about, and I don't have any intention of watching it again to find out. Who am I kidding? Exorcist II party, my place!!!
3. SPEED 2 - CRUISE CONTROL (1997) - I just might have to do a post on how shitty action movies were in the nineties in my retrospective, but 1994's Speed was one of the few that worked, and still holds up today quite nicely. I really thought that Jan De Bont was going to be the next big action director and that his follow-up Twister was just a slight dip, but then came Speed 2 (and later The Haunting) to prove me completely wrong. I know the argument against how stupid the boat thing is (they could just jump off) is that logistically they couldn't just jump off, and I get that, but it doesn't make the fact that it's on a boat any less stupid. It just doesn't. And there is nothing funnier than the "Oh God, they are about to crash in the seaside town" climatic sequence; the shots back and forth between the town and the open mouthed looks from our reluctant cast members is just priceless. William Goldman once wrote that the 90's was the worst decade of cinema, and with movies like Speed 2 it's hard to argue.
2. SUPERMAN IV: QUEST FOR PEACE (1987) - It's nice that they let Christopher Reeve turn a Superman movie into an anit-nuke commercial. I just wish it had only been a commercial. There's so much wrong with this movie how does one know where to begin. Jon Cryer and that hair? Mariel Hemmingway vs. Margot Kidder? Gene Hackman trying to look interested? Fucking Nuclear Man? This movie has it all in all kinds of wrong ways. I was eleven years old and I knew this movie sucked; do you know how hard it is to not entertain an eleven year old kid with a superhero movie? I even kind of dug Supergirl when I was a kid. It's really fucking hard, but Superman IV managed to do just that. Congratulations.
1. JAWS - THE REVENGE (1987) - I thought it was going to be really hard to come up with a number one pick on this list that I had no doubts about, but when I was going through wikipedia and came across Jaws - The Revenge I immediately knew there could be no other. And congratulations 1987, you got the top two picks. So, at 11 years old you couldn't make a good superhero movie, and you made a movie about a giant shark eating people that I also thought sucked. The revenge aspect really takes the cake. For those not in the know, the shark is actually after the Brody family. Travels all the fucking way from Amity to the Bahamas to get to our favorite shark hunting family, and it tries to some damage to Mario Van Peebles with some ridiculous dreads along the way. They even make a mention that Martin Brody (a non-returning Roy Schneider) died of a heart attack earlier brought on by his fear of sharks. So he takes out two great whites in his lifetime but then dies in his sleep thinking about them. Nice fuck you to the fans of the original. None of the sequels are good, but this one manages to be the worst just by the mere stupidity of its storyline. It's rather amazing that most films ever get made; the time, the money, and all of the people that are involved cause a lot of problems on set if a damn idea even makes it that far. But in the case of Jaws IV, someone pitched this idea of a shark having a personal grudge, someone liked it, and then a bunch of people got together and spent a lot of time and hard earned dollars making it. I just really don't know what to do with that information; I really don't.