The Amityville Horror

The Amityville Horror (Director: Andrew Douglas)

This is Douglas' first feature film, and possibly some of you have heard of his documentary, Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus (I hadn't). Michael Bay produces his second 70's horror remake, the first being 2003's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Based on the 1977 novel by Jay Anson, and from the screenplay by Sandor Stern in 1979, with a modern-day polish from the recent Massacre's Scott Kosar. "A True Story" that has long been debunked.

Since March 18 up to this week, filmgoers have been treated to two sequels, two remakes, a spinoff, and the second version of a movie made from a book. The story of The Amityville Horror shows up everywhere, it in itself was not new ground. Stephen King's The Shining covered the house-makes-men-insane angle well before it. Here's how these stories go:

1. Time For A New Beginning

You usually have events marked by loss. In this tale, George Lutz (Ryan Reynolds) has recently married Kathy (Season 3 "Alias" vixen Melissa George), who has 3 kids from a previous marriage, where the father has died. 12-year-old Billy (Jesse James) has just begun prepubescence and has just discovered that he hates and distrusts everything--this story will prove he's the sane one.

2. Buy A New House

Yes, murders occurred there, and the price is well below market value. Since we believe in symbols like "new beginnings" it seems odd we don't feel put off by a house standing for a symbol of death.

3. Weird Things Start Happening, But Can Be Explained

Our daughter (Chloe Moretz) comes up with an imaginary friend--but isn't imaginary, and this friend keeps telling her to walk on roofs and go out to daddy's boat and jump in the water, daughter also is not put off by the friend's ghastly appearance--a bullet hole in her head and a sick complexion. Youngest son Jimmy (Tommy Smith from Hostage) also starts seeing weird things. Daddy starts snapping, and redness starts surrounding his pupils--must be an allergy.

4. Call A Doctor

Surely, all this stress is causing visions and insanity. Take your husband to a medical professional. Take 2 pills every 6 hours. If problem persists, get an axe.

5. Do Some Research

Murders occurred at your house, that wasn't in doubt. The killer in the original murders, though, is acting just like your husband is now. Oh, and some evil bastard used the house to torture Native Americans long ago. This is the time to really get scared. Make sure your refrigerator magnets can't spell anything gruesome, just leave the C, the A, and the T. Oh, but that can spell ACT, and that's horror for some...damn you, ghosts!

6. Call A Priest

We've never been religious before, but perhaps someone who went through divinity school can exorcise our demons. Keep our sons in an upstairs bedroom and lock the door.

7. When That Doesn't Work, Leave The House

It's going to take violence, but I'm sure once the affect of the house wears off, no one will even remember that I made your stepson hold the wood while I chopped it, or called your family crazy, or called you stupid. Since we can blame everything on the house, just love remains. Let's go to a motel and think it over...ooh, I hear the Bates has got a vacancy.

I will say, that Ryan Reynolds gives a nicely intense performance, and George is good, too. And, like many horror movies, it has its moments--but I believe we are well beyond giving a movie props for moments and not sustaining a mood throughout.