Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before

Double-check the byline below because you're about to read something that sounds an awful lot like something Chris would say.

Actually, the writing style will be my own, but the gripe is one that should have the recent rants of Chris ringing in your ears.

This post is about the stupid NFL analysts. No, I'm not talking about how many times they use the word "football," though it's maddening listening to sports talk radio now that Chris has pointed that little quirk out, because I hear it all the time (Mike Ditka, I officially hate you for it).

My beef is about exaggerations. Or, as I like to call them, "lies." Analysts like to say things that sound good...that strike a chord. They like to make predictions and be the first to point out some trend or possibility. This is sort of related to my post about Ted "I Don't Actually Watch Hockey, I Just Write About It" Montgomery's calling the Preds a clutching and grabbing team...sort of. Ted was just talking out of his ass.

But this guy's trying to be ahead of the trend...to announce some forboding doom...and he's just an idiot. His name is Vinnie Iyer and he writes for the Sporting News. He writes the "Primer" column that Yahoo Sports showcases every week.

Here's the comment that got me all riled up:

"The Colts seem unstoppable, but everything they've done to go 7-0 will all be for naught if they can't finally get over the New England bump in Week 9."

What?! Is he serious? I guess somehow the Colts ended up with the short end of the scheduling stick this year, and they must only get to play 8 games. Because I could have sworn that they had 8 more after the New England game. Also, it appears that the Colts' entry into the playoffs is based on more than just their record--it depends on beating the Pats.

I know they've had their struggles against Brady's Boys (They're a good football team with good football players who really know how to take control of a football game.) But isn't it unfair for the league to bar the Colts from playing in the post-season on the outcome of one game?

What's that, you say? I have it all wrong? Well, sue KW for being sarcastic. But this kind of comment could be written by a 9th grader. The 7-0 start will be all for naught? Does a loss in New England wipe out the other wins? Do the Pats get to take back some of their losses if they beat Peyton again? Otherwise, how do you explain this comment?

If the Colts lose in two weeks at New England...they will have...(wait for it)...lost a game. I know, I know...it's revolutionary thinking...but I think the loss would only mean that they're 7-1 instead of 8-0. They'd still be two games up on the Pats for home field advantage in the playoffs. They'd still be the best, most well-rounded team in the NFL, and they'd still be able to get out of bed in the morning.

The simple fact of the matter is that this game doesn't matter anymore. And it won't matter unless the Colts tank the second half of the season and the Pats win out.

I know the professional writers are always looking for a good angle...and that they really wanted this to be some epic showdown between the top two teams in the league. But unfortunately, the Pats had to go and spoil that by losing three games in six. And the Colts won their first 7.

Raise your hand if you think the Pats are the same team this year: Thanks...you in the back...that makes it easier to see you when I point and laugh at you.

It really burns me up that these analysts don't do as Chris would do and write about the truth...the match-ups and the stats and the CURRENT season.

As a Colts fan, I don't care if they win. They're already 3 games better. This story is a non-story.

Vinnie goes on to hedge his comment by adding:

"While I now have great confidence that they can finally get to the Super Bowl, they need to top the Pats to maintain the great confidence they've built this season... "

Chris, you can jump in here, because I know how you feel about analysts calling for "emotions having an impact in a game or a season."

Here's my own personal prediction: If the Colts lose, Peyton will be quoted as saying something along these lines, "Well, I sure am glad that doesn't matter as much as it used to."

Confidence is great and all, and I'm sure that teams with none play horribly (Titans, I'm looking in your direction). But it does not determine the season's outcome, or a teams ability to make the playoffs.

For the record...I'm worried about this game (as a Colts fan) because I do think the Pats scheme well. I want the Colts to win it, to keep their unbeaten streak alive. I am not, however, worried about a loss in this game ending their season.

And then there's this guy, Don Banks, who not only admits that the NFL pundits make crap up as they go along, but even brags about it. His quote:

"We worship at the altar of the new in today's society, and us hacks who cover the NFL for a living are no different in that respect (see ode to the latest star named Manning above). That's why so many of us were assembled in the press box of Paul Brown Stadium on Sunday to see the Cincinatti Bengals officially declared the NFL's next big thing.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the coronation in the Queen City. The Bengals didn't win their AFC North showdown against visiting Pittsburgh. In fact, they didn't come close, and wound up getting dominated by the defending division champion Steelers.

At that point, we scribes and self-styled NFL experts did what we always do: We deftly pivoted away from the flavor-of-the-week Bengals and back to the tried-and-true Steelers, who we declared to be easily the class of the division and still a force to be reckoned with. What a great gig it is that we have."

Don. I'm glad you like your job. But it's infuriating for us fans to hear you guys flip and flop like Tori Amos at Christmas Eve Mass (that's gotta be one of my worst analogies ever). Pick an opinion and go with it. You can't say one week, "The Pats are not the same team anymore" when they get spanked by San Diego, and then come back after their next win with, "The Pats show why they're the champs." Ugh. If I'd turned in writing like that in college I'd still be there.

It's bad enough you do it. Don't throw it in our face and say, "Nanny-nanny Boo-boo, I get paid well to travel and see football games and write for national publications but I actually choose my column subjects by reading the wind and seeing what my collegues say."

I think it's crap that journalists have to wait to see if the Bengals can beat the Steelers to have an opinon on Cincy's season. Have some balls. Also, why does the one game mean automatically that the Bengals still suck? Oh wait...I forgot. Next week, when they win in strong fashion, you'll just go back to calling them the real thing again, sitting behind your computer screen laughing at us saps soaking in your false wisdom.

I seriously can't figure why these guys get paid for this.