Friday, April 07, 2006

I Watched Phat Girlz

Phat Girlz
Written and Directed by Nnegest Likk´┐Ż
Fox Searchlight

Thick madames of the world, take heart! Having trouble finding love in the weight-obsessed United States? Go to Nigeria! You will be treated like a queen! In what amounts to a Cinderella story for "Pretty Hot And Thick" chicks, we're going to have to swallow a lot of nonsense, so much so that we'll all be pretty hot and thick by the end of it.

I've said it before about other features, but Phat Girlz obviously isn't meant for me, a going-on-30 white guy. But this movie found me under extreme circumstances, and basically, I was like Alex from A Clockwork Orange...

Phat Girlz focuses on Jazmin Biltmore (get it? Biltmore? played by Mo'Nique), a woman who lives in L.A. and works in the clothing section of a department store where thin (usually white) toothpick girls come in and piss her off. She works with equally phat friend Stacey (Kendra C. Johnson), and they hang out with Jazmin's unbelievably hot cousin Mia (Joyful Drake). Jazmin has dreams of becoming a fashion designer for the plus-sized woman, and a well-known buyer named Robert Meyer (Eric Roberts) frequents the store, but she is constantly prevented from approaching him by her boss, Dick (how many bosses in movies have been called Dick? It's probably as many housekeepers who have been named Rosa...Jack Noseworthy plays the thankless role of white devil).

At some point, Jazmin wins a contest to go to a 5-star resort and she takes Stacey and Mia along. Here is where she meets Nigerian god Tunde (Jimmy Jean-Louis), and Stacey meets his friend Akibo ("I Love the 80s/90s" regular Godfrey). Mia has entered "The Twilight Zone" because none of the African men think she's hot. And well, all I've got to say is, that's total bullshit. It isn't like Mia is in any danger of being anorexic or anything (Joyful Drake's ass is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Born in Milwaukee--perhaps The Electric Commentary guys can shed some light on what is in the water out there). Anyway, here's where the usual romance conventions kick in, as something is going to happen to break them up and so on and so forth.

It's everything you'd expect--I freaking wrote the script in my head just before people said certain lines. There's also a lot of missed opportunities to make the film more fun and funnier--the scene where the burger joint guy and Jazmin get into a cut-down war is a massive cheat--he can't come up with anything good at all while she gets all the zingers--making the scene a one-sided, unworthy affair. There are a few comic ideas that get thrown around in an inconsistent manner--like Jazmin's "inner voice" that only pops up once or twice.

Yep, it's not very good.


At 4/07/2006 01:23:00 PM, Blogger Jonathan said...

Dammit! This isn't any good; Doc and I were going to go see that tonight after we took a hot, long shower together. I guess we'll have to come up with something else to do after the shower.

At 4/07/2006 03:43:00 PM, Blogger PaulNoonan said...

That would be Cryptosporidium, a small parasite that infected the water supply between the early spring and winter of 1990, which caused massive diarrhea, and the deaths of several hundred elderly and aids infected people.

It came from a big thaw and unseasonably rainy season which washed a bunch of cow crap from upstream into the supply at the same time that the water treatment plant was experimenting with chlorine-free methods of purification.

It was, however, good for shedding some unsightly pounds.

I am not making any of this up.

So there you go.

At 4/07/2006 04:07:00 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Perhaps the Cryptosporidium Council should start pulling out some ads. Does the body good!

At 4/08/2006 10:45:00 AM, Blogger Chemi Che-Mponda said...

Sorry you didn't like Phat Girlz. I went to see it and the audience was mixed, everything included.

The two white thirty-something guys sitting next to me seemed to enjoy the film. They laughed when eveyone else laughed I didn't see them holding back. I also didn't see anyone walk out of the theatre like I've seen at other screenings.

Now about the Mia character, in some cultures having no behind is considered ugly. I guess it depends on the cultural views you're accustomed too.

Otherwise the film is entertaining yet has an important message for all. You are who you are, accept it and reach your full potential.


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