Conference Call

One of the disadvantages to not working at a successful sports periodical is that I don't have access to sports stars on a regular basis. This is troubling to me, since I think I could engage some of these athletes in enjoyable and fruitful conversations. As of now, it is not to be, so I've been imagining a landmark conference call with some of the most interesting sports figures of the modern day: Shaquile O'Neal, Ozzie Guillen, and Ricky Williams. Here's a transcript.

Doc: Thanks for joining me, everyone.

All: Yeah, okay

Ricky Williams: Hey man, can we wrap this up? I've been sitting here for hours.

Doc: Ricky, we just got here.

Williams: Huh?

Ozzie Guillen: Who the fuck is Doc, man? I thought 'choo were Jay Mariotti. Faggot.

Shaq: I just ate an entire buffalo. God, that's good.

Doc: Let's stay on task here, guys. Ricky, we'll start with you. How has being out of football changed your life recently?

Williams: Man, I've been hurting, both physically and emotionally these days. Why can't people realize that football is just a game? I mean, if I want to go out and travel around India or Egypt or China to find myself, why should people care?

Guillen: 'Choo sound like a pussy, man.

Shaq: It's cool, Ricky. Keep up your quest to find yourself. Man is not meant to pigeonhole himself into one occupation for the entirety of his life. It's much like Carl Jung wrote about the collective unconscious...

Guillen: Man, who the fuck is this, man? I thought we were going to talk about chicks.

Shaq: (mumbles unintelligibly)

Doc: What was that, Shaq?

Shaq: I'm big as fuck.

Doc: Good for you. Now Ricky, you were saying something about finding yourself...

Terrell Owens: Nah man, Ricky ain't here no more. He wandered off into the woods behind his house or some shit.

Doc: T.O.? Where'd you come from?

Owens: Baby, I'm everywhere!

Guillen: Is this that conceited fuck that poisoned his locker room in San Fransisco? Nice job, man. Bunch of faggots.

Owens: I know, Ozzie. You should have met my old quarterback. You'd've run him over with a truck.

Guillen: Damn right, baby.

Doc: Ok guys. Ozzie, you sound a little irate today. Are things not going well since the White Sox missed the playoffs?

Guillen: We got fucking sandbagged by some beauracratic bullshit! Bud Selig hates me, just because I tell it like it fucking is.

Doc: Well Ozzie, cursing out the media after games and calling a journalist a fag may not be "telling like it is". It's a bit abrasive.

Guillen: If you can't handle it, then you're a pussy faggot.

Doc: Ok. So Shaq, are you guys poised to make a run at a repeat this year?

Shaq: Yeah man, but I'm gonna take a year off to get my PhD.

Doc: Really? Where at?

Shaq: At Fuck U.

Guillen: (laughing) I love this guy! 'Choo want to play baseball, baby? 'Choo tell it like it is!

Owens: I thought we were talking about me! Any time I tell it like it is, I get in trouble. I'm going home to take my supplements. (click)

Doc: Well alright. Thanks for talking to me for a few minutes, guys.

Guillen: 'Choo might be a better interviewer than fuckin' Dan Patrick, man. His hair smells funny.

Shaq: Yeah. So does your mom.

Guillen: (laughing) I love this guy, man! 'Choo got to play baseball, baby!

(click)

That went well.

Cheers.