Let's Talk Poker

I haven't been playing internet poker that much lately; I guess I just prefer the live game, but I went on last night, and ended up finishing third in a tournament. Good stuff; however I was blown away that everytime I would take someone out they always had to come at me with a bullshit comment. I had pocket aces (Two aces in my hand for those not in the know) on five different occassions, and actually hit a third ace every single time and won all five hands, which is extremely rare. However, once when I did it, I got called a "fucking, stupid, lucky, dumbass, retarted motherfucker." Actually since I was on-line I guess I got type-trashed which is the most pathetic shit in my opinion. I'm picturing some fat 18 year old kid who's never even seen a vagina on the other end of the world wide web, probably in his boxers; yeah, don't think he would have said that shit at a live game, but you'd be surprised.

How to act at a poker table is a hotly debated topic in some circles, mostly nerdy ones I suppose. And thinking about this, I thought I would throw out a few things that really annoy the hell out of me and piss me off, and believe me, I'm not alone here. So, if you're fairly new to this, mainly going to a casino and playing a live cash game, here's some good tips, so you don't embarass the hell out of yourself. And you may be thinking what does this jack off know. Well here's my resume. I've gone to Vegas at least three times a year for the past four; I've probably logged in a few hundred hours easy there. I've also played in Reno, Los Angeles, Tunica, Tampa, and off the coast of our lovely Orlando. Not to mention an ass ton of home games and tournaments in our fair state of Tennessee. I was playing on-line for about a year or so at least two to three hours a night. So, if that's not enough, sorry. I'm gonna state my case anyways. Let's do this.

DON'T WEAR A FUCKING WORLD SERIES OF POKER T-SHIRT
And for that matter, a hat, gold chain, button, or whatever the fuck you have that has this shit written on it. You will lose a lot of money, and you know why, because we will know you are not very good, or at least very new at this. If you're on ESPN, fine deck the halls, but if you're sitting in Bally's at three in the morning with your Phil Ivey get-up on, we are going after your ass, and we are going after it hardcore.
Now, as far as how you should dress; very casual. T-shirt, jeans, polo shirt, khakis. Very indiscreet. Don't be noticeable, and you might have an easier time allowing people to forget you just tried to bluff them holding a 2/7.

WATCH THE TALKING
One rule that is fundamental and universal for any live play, especially in a casino, If you're not involved in a hand, then SHUT THE HELL UP! If you're in the hand, talk all you want; talk to other people that aren't in the hand; it's not bad strategy; however, hopefully they know this rule as well, and they will just look at you like you've lost your mind. In home games, leave it up to the host. If you're at Doc's for instance, talk as much as you want; if you got a problem with it he'll probably just throw a drink in your face or blow cigar smoke. Another rule at Doc's, don't break a Derby Glass; it leads to bad things.

A sidenote to this would also be watch your expressions. If you folded a K/6 and three sixes come out on the board, don't throw your hands up in disgust. It's unfair to the people still in the game; use common sense.
THE TERMINOLOGY
Poker talk, for the most part, gets on my last nerve. I usually only use it to be sarcastic as hell, or to make someone think I'm a douche bag who knows the terminology better than he knows the game. "Pocket Rockets," "I've got the nuts," "I've got trips, a full boat," "I hit quads on the flop," etc. It turns poker into something along the lines of a fucking Magic tournament in my mind; might as well be donning people a Grand Wizard, or some bullshit when they get the straight.

BRAGGING ABOUT PAST SUCCESS
A big no, no at the table. No one cares that two years ago you were at your Grandma's and you hit a Royal Flush and won ten bucks. Nor, does anyone care that you were in a World Series event for two hours, or whatever the hell you want to throw out there. It just makes you look desperate to make other people think you've got some game, and as soon as you start talking about that, we know you don't have any, so let it go. Talk about what everyone else is talking about at the table, blend in; most likely it will be football. So, if you don't know a damn thing about football, you might want to learn.

THROWING TANTRUMS
I could go on and on about this, and I just might. There are so many different types of tantrums. This goes back to my comment earlier about what the fat 18 year old typed at me. When you started off with a stronger hand than your opponet, and after all the cards came out they got lucky and beat you, you're going to want to throw out some terms like "Suck-out" and "Donkey." Don't. It's there money, they can do whatever the hell they want to with it. And believe me, you're going be the lucky one on the other end of the stick just as many times, so let it go. Because guess what, luck is a pretty major part of the game a lot of times. You can have all the skill at the world, you could be the worlds greatest calculator at odds, but if someone gets lucky that skill doesn't mean dick, so quit crying about it.

And finally, just have some freaking fun. It's great that poker has become so popular because there is an ass ton of money out there ripe for the taking, but at the same time we've now got a lot of people that watched a tournament on T.V. and think they are god's gift to the game. It's not a sport; you don't need physical presence to be able to win. All you need to be able to do is hold up a pair of cards, and you can play. So, just play your game, and don't listen when some dumbass calls you a donkey; just be patient, and keep your head in the game, and you will be fine. More than any other game or sport I've played, in poker you're almost always gonna win at some point.