Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Sound Observations

NFL Week 5

1.) Two games I didn't give a shit about held my interest for the entire 60 minutes this week of the NFL: Dallas-Philly and Baltimore-Denver. I couldn't care less about the whole Terrell Owens drama leading up to the game, but I'm very disappointed at the Philly fans/players for not being more agressively hostile. Why not take a page out of Haynesworth's book and try to kill the guy? By the way, funny story on The Onion webpage about Haynesworth "just trying to do his job." Regardless, it turned into high drama on the field, and it never hurts to end with a 102-yard interception return for a touchdown.

As for the Monday night game, I have no interest in these two teams other than: A.) I absolutely fucking hate the Ravens, and B.) Hometown hero Jay Cutler is the eventual heir to the Elway throne in Denver. I loved the game though. Low-scoring, nasty weather, clumps of mud sticking to helmets, close down to the wire, and fantasy implications.

2.) Regarding fantasy: I think I might finally have a problem. Yahoo! Sports has not as of 9:12 a.m. updated the weekly points yet, and I'm about to have a panic attack. I'm not kidding. When I got to work today, a patient of mine had gone into status epilepticus last night (which is really bad) but all I could think about was whether Tatum Bell's fumble was enough to detract from my opponent beating me (L&N-er Chris). This is not healthy, but it's beyond my control. I'll be back to normal in January.


3.) I'm glad the Tigers moved on to the ALCS. I'm not a big baseball fan if the Cubs don't do anything (so I'm not a big baseball fan), but I like seeing good stories throughout the year. The only thing that gets me are the analysts who've been treating this Tigers phenomenon like they knew about it all along. "Oh, of course I had the Tigers going to the ALCS," says Harold Reynolds. "After going 71-91 in 2005, we figured that Bonderman would learn to pitch, and that Carlos Guillen would be a huge star..... Oh wait. Hey honey, what's going on? Can I see if those are real?"

Mostly I'm happy that Jim Leyland still smokes. I'm not wishing smoke-related illnesses on him or anything, but I'm glad that some public figures still smoke cigarettes. Baseball's become such a pussy league these days that it's nice to see someone stick to the old, unhealthy ways. It's hard for me to watch the Cubs play without Mark Grace at 1st base, cheek inflated like he just had a root canal, then spewing a long stream of brown fluid on the field like a whale in the midst of an oil spill. These images warm my heart.

Speaking of smoking, I've been noticing a few things recently with the smokers I'm around. There seems to be a division in the type of smoker. I've identified at least 3 subsections:

A.) The Junior Smoker - Every once in a while I see a 17 or 18-year old kid outside of my building, hanging out with friends, and trying to look cool by smoking. It's much like the John Travolta method in Pulp Fiction: no inhalation of any kind; just suck and blow. Sometimes you see a kid really trying to look cool and blow the smoke out the nose. Not only does this look like it hurts, but you also have the nasal passages to consider. If you're clogged in one nostril, it doesn't look cool when it only comes out of the other.

B.) The Talker - This is the person that is constantly surrounded by a plume of smoke like Pigpen from Peanuts. They take a drag, then describe how they're decorating their house, while smoke pours out of their mouths like their intestines were on fire. This is not an attractive look, especially for females. Not to sound sexist, but a woman can look sexy while smoking. She can also look like her intestines are on fire. You choose.

C.) The Magician - I used to work at an auto repair shop, and this was the most common type of smoker in that environment. It's the person that inhales the smoke....and it never comes out. Never. Not in an exhale, not while talking, never. It's truly amazing and horrifying at the same time. Where does the smoke go? It's a question I've fought with my entire life. You see this most often with an older person that has been smoking since they were about 5 years old and coming over on the Mayflower, which adds a bit more creepiness to the situation.


4.) A few words on Chris. I'm sure most of the people reading this blog do so almost solely to read Chris's movie reviews, which I've always found as being insightful and original. I'm very sad he has decided to move on to his own site, but hopefully he'll make some stops back here on the L&N.



At 10/10/2006 10:27:00 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Thanks for the kind words, Doc. But I will still be here, likely ranting about sports and giving an occasional review here and there. And, I encourage any "fan" of my reviews to go to nymoviereviews.com. I'm still working out some stuff--the site might change a few times before I'm comfortable with it.

Your take on smokers is funny as hell. I don't smoke, but I've seen all of these people you speak about--dead on.


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