Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Sound Observations

NFL Week 15

1.) Well, more revered NFL records are falling than cheerleaders' panties at a Smirnoff Ice factory. Just this weekend another three were overtaken.

a. Ladanian Tomlinson bested the record for most points scored in a single season, previously held by the man pictured above left; the beloved Louisville product and Green Bay phenom, Paul Hornung. The only problem is, Hornung captured this record in a 12-game season, so even if LT is supposed to have beaten it, it still technically stands, given that he needed 14 games.

b. Speaking of the Packers, Brett Favre broke Dan Marino's record! No, not the touchdown record yet, but the all-time completion record. Pretty impressive and well-deserved, given how long and hard Favre has played. (Yes, I just wrote "long and hard." Laugh it up.)

c. Morten Andersen, take a bow! You've just set the record for points scored in a career. No one in the history of the NFL has scored more points than...Morten Andersen. I'll let that one sink in for awhile.

Tune in next week to see what other hallowed mark will fall in Week 16

2.) Thank you, Marvelous Marvin Harrison. Why am I cheering for a Colt? Because "The Great Mustache" scored 3-touchdowns Monday night to help propel me into the championship game in both of my fantasy leagues, one of which I could win up to $200. Does anyone else care? Of course not. We'll move on then.

3.) Playoffs?!! Bring Jim Mora, Sr. back to answer for the Titans. No, there's no way Tennessee can make the playoffs, but WOW. Five in a row? Who the hell would've picked that at the beginning of the season? So is it possible that they can make a run next year? Yes.

Tennessee will probably end up with something like the 11-15th pick in the draft, including a bushel of picks in the later rounds. With the fine way they've drafted recently (Pacman Jones, Vince Young, Brandon Jones, Courtney Roby, Cortland Finnegan, Lendale White), you have to think they'll pick up at least one more immediate impact player. Not to mention they are significantly under the cap (Thanks, McNair), so they could go out and get a veteran to plug some holes.

There are some comparisons to what Miami did last year, finishing with 7 straight wins, and a sexy Superbowl pick this year, but Tennessee won't do what the Dolphins did (take a chance on an expensive, struggling quarterback coming back from major surgery).

So I'm encouraged.

4.) Peter King, a very good and detailed sports writer, actually gave Offensive Player of the Week honors to... Mark Brunell?? He explained it by saying that Brunell, in practice all week leading up to the Saints/Redskins game, played Drew Brees perfectly for their scout team, giving the Skins' defense a leg up on the competition.

Come on.

5.) Oooooh, the playoff picture is looking murky, isn't it? My Packers are actually still mathematically alive in the Wild-Card hunt in the NFC at 6-8. The Steelers and Bills are still alive, and in better shape than the Titans in the AFC, at 7-7.

"Come see average teams in lukewarm competition with subdued plotlines and gaudy bits of overrated offense! The NFL: Catch the Fever!"

NBA Basketball

6.) Ok, so there's finally something to talk about in the NBA! It must be Iverson being traded to a contender. Or Lebron posting 70+ on some unsuspecting team. Or Steve Nash leading MVP voting (for ugliest Canadian ever; tied with Bryan Adams).

Nope, it's some sissy-ass, panty pulling, bitch-slap contest that everyone is making WAAAAY too big a deal of. In case you missed it, or didn't care, the Denver Nuggets got into a little scrap with the Knicks this weekend after a hard foul on a Nuggets player. Here's the whole incident:


Lots of suspensions, lots of fines, lots of blame to go around. The point is, I've seen much better fights than this, in the NBA and beyond. Nothing, and I say nothing, can beat Pedro Martinez throwing 72 year-old Don Zimmer into the infield dirt in 2003.

The day I see Phil Jackson being chucked into the stands during an brawl, I'll say the NBA can still be saved. Until then...


7.) How many times can ESPN 2 replay the World Series of Poker? And why do I keep watching it? I've seen Allen Cunningham push all-in at least 5 times since the summer, but I keep fucking watching! It's like watching the hour of Seinfeld reruns every day on TBS, even though they play the same six episodes in a loop. What am I looking for? Hidden meaning in the "Nip" episode?

I need more hobbies.


8.) Why, oh why, don't bathroom doors open from the inside at restaurants? I've yet to see one. Instead of being able to simply push the door open with your shoulder after you've washed your hands, you have to grab the handle and pull, even though you realize that hundreds of dudes that go in there don't wash up after they do their business.

Now, I'm not the neatest guy in the world, and I don't always wash my hands and have to have everything germ-free before I eat, but can't this problem be solved simply by setting the door to where it opens from the inside? Am I crazy? Must I be forced to use the paper towels I dried my hands on to open the door, even though the trash can is on the other side of the bathroom and underneath the sink? Are we animals?

9.) I'm taking next week off, due to the holidays. I need a break from this exhausting job of writing one weekly column. Everyone have a Merry Christmas, Hannukah, Eid, Kwanzaa, or whatever else is going on these days. Cheers.


At 12/19/2006 03:25:00 PM, Blogger Kennelworthy said...

-Well, it may come as a surprise to you to learn that I actually do care that Marvin scored 3, because I am a Colts fan--oh wait...you meant that no one else cares that you advanced in fantasy football. Well, in that case...you're right.

-Also, your bit about the doors on restaurant bathrooms made me smile and chuckle. You are totally right. When I was training for one of my recent jobs with a major retailer, part of our management training involved memorizing the proper hand-washing steps.

The steps go like this:
-advance paper towel so that some is sticking out of the dispenser
-turn on water
-wash for at least 30 seconds (sing happy birthday to yourself)
-dry hands with paper towel
-using paper towel as a protective layer, turn off water and pull open the exit door.

Sheesh. And this is a highly respected training program.

I got an idea: build your f-ing restrooms so that the doors can be opened from the inside without having to worry about grabbing the germ-infested handle.

-Also, there are lots of stupid things I hate about public restrooms...and I once wrote a stand-up routine about it which I called "bathroom humor." Some of the things I hate:

Doors that open in such a way as to reveal me standing at the urinal to any and every person who is outside in the hall. I mean...put in some darn barriers so the ladies in the hall can't watch me tinkle...please!

Another one is those real cloth towel things for drying your hands...where there's this spool of towel and you pull a "fresh" section of it out as the previously used section gets scrolled back up. Useless...gross...malfunctioning...and in no way is this cheaper than using actual paper towel.

At 12/19/2006 10:23:00 PM, Blogger Mike said...

I think Nolan Ryan beating up Ventura was the best fight of them all.


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