Wicked Awesome

What's going on, Redsox Nation? You know, I got to tell you. I've been holding it in for too long. The Redsox upper echelon of management is the biggest bunch of crack heads I've seen in awhile. Seriously, are you that upset about the Yankees swinging their big wallets around; I mean what has it really gotten them? Not a whole lot; no world championships at least since they started paying the big bucks to the likes of Giambi, A-Rod, and Randy Johnson. But come on, at least those names look a lot nicer next to the wanna-be's that you guys are giving their career paydays to.

Let's start with spring training last year, or actually before it when you said you couldn't afford to throw about 50 million to keep fucking Jesus out in centerfield; he also goes by the name of Johnny Damon, but we all know what is real name is. And if you had kept him we would have gotten to see all of those bearded ladies up in the stands, but instead we got to see some cleaned up version (Calgon Take Me Away) out in the Bronx.

Now, we shall journey to the 2006 trade deadline when you decided you couldn't afford 46 million to get Bobby Abreu for the team, and keep yourselves in contention; maybe even make the playoffs. Maybe Abreu wouldn't have gotten you there, but don't throw this bullshit out there that you can't afford it when you're pulling this shit.

$51 million big ones just to negotiate for the pitching of one Daisuke Matsuzaka. Just to fucking negotiate? This is supposed to be that amazing pitcher from Japan who has the pitch no one can hit, and is also not physically possible according to some of our greatest minds in physics, but whatever. Then you go into this acting like you didn't even know the fee was only for negotiating. We believe you, Theo Epstein, we really do. After all, you're just a simple Yankee. That was too easy of a double entendre for me not to throw it out there, so stop thinking about kicking my ass Redsox fanatics.

But you know what, I can live with that. Maybe this guy will be the next big thing for pitching. Maybe it's well worth the 90 or so million you'll end up dropping in the long run for a guy that we'll only see every fourth or fifth day. I'm sure that's logical on some distant planet. But what really takes the cake is our picture boy up top, Mr. J.D. Drew. Entering his eight year in the big leagues (Remember, eight years ago, this guy was touted as being the greatest baseball player when all was said and done) has a career .286 batting average with 162 homeruns and 509 RBI's. Not chump change, mind you, especially with all of his injuries during his days in St. Louis. I'm pretty sure if you total it up he's probably only actually played 4 seasons. But is that worth 70 million? Try and answer that with the positive and not have a bitter beer face when all is said and done.

And if that isn't enough, we're not done yet. 36 million for Tampa Bay sensation, Julio Lugo, who will fill your troubled short stop posisiton, that you wouldn't have, mind you, if you had kept Nomar (Wicked Awesome) Garciapara, but I'm no baseball manager, so what do I know. Oh, yeah, and there's the whole thing about losing Manny (ManRam) Ramirez. I like the comments about how we're sick of having disrupting influences on the team. Are you fucking kidding me? You're the goddamn Redsox. Carlton Fisk, Roger Clemmens, Bill (Asshole) Muheler. You're like the Oakland Raiders of baseball. You always have a group of assholes on your team with long hair, beards, and tats; chewing their tobacco and spitting it back in the Umps faces. What is it going to be now, clean-cut and pinstripes; Oh Jesus!

You're not the New York Yankees, you'll never be the New York Yankees, and why would you want to be? You have something they don't in this decade, a World Series. You made the most amazing comeback in the history of the playoffs a couple of years ago, against, who else, the New York "Fucking" Yankees. You're the Boston Redsox, the motherfuckers who think they're the biggest badasses in the game whether that's true or not. You're attitude usually gets you farther than anything else, and now you want to tone it down.

I have a feeling Epstein's not done with this nonsense either. It's like he's lost in a cloud of confusion. Oh my God! We finished third, what do we do now? Let me pop a Qualude and think. Okay, we'll spend a ridiculous amount of money to negotiate with the Japanese for the guy with the crazy pitch; I want my own Ichiro, dammit! We'll pay over a 100 million for people with all the potential in the world but no payoff, enter Drew and Lugo. We'll try to get rid of our best hitter. Yes, that's the answer. I hope he doesn't stop because this is the best trainwreck I've ever seen. I hope he goes completely nuts and invites Michael Jordan, Master P, and Garth Brooks to training camp. Oh, fuck that, bring Jeff George in, and see if he can throw a curveball. I can even see Epstein reasoning this out. Well, he couldn't throw a football, but that's because footballs are too big, but a baseball is smaller, he could throw a baseball. Epstein is to baseball what Jon Peters is to movies, and when the Giant Spider walks out on the field on opening day, you'll remember that you heard it here first. Go, Sox!