Monday, December 11, 2006

Catching Up on Some E-mails

From: KW
To: Coach Dungy

Subject: The defense and other woes

Coach, let me tell you a story: did you ever see the sequel to Jurassic Park, a movie called The Lost World? You remember where they grab that baby T-Rex with the broken leg, and take it back to their RVs, but then the mommy and daddy T-Rex come for him? And they bash the RVs, and part of one trailer goes over a cliff, and all the good guys inside are about to die?

And then that short little fat man from the boat shows up. And he calls out to them. Then he gets a rope and ties it to a stump, but when he�s trying to tie the other end to the RV the part from the stump comes undone? And so he scurries back over to the stump and then fastens that end of the rope to the front of the jeep? And then he tries to back the jeep up to pull up the RVs, but the tires keep spinning in the mud? And then the T-Rexes show up again unannounced and both bite one end of the little fat man and together they rip him in two so that all his efforts to save the heroes in the RV are for nothing? Despite his best intentions he is nothing but a short little fat screw up of a man who can�t do anything right?

The Indianapolis Colts defense�is that little fat man. Nothing you guys do works. Everything you try is in vain. Sometime between now and the end of the season, a T-Rex-sized NFL team is going to bite into your defense and swallow it whole.

How can a 10-3 team so perfectly represent suckiness?!

From: KW

To: Vince Young
Subject: Your most recent game

Wow. Just�.wow. This town is going to love you for many, many years.

From: KW
To: Chris Collinsworth

CC: Tony Romo
Subject: Your smug-ass face

Please wipe that stupid, cocky grin off your stupid, cocky face. Do it for the fans�just once�.for five friggin� minutes could you please go without that self-congratulatory grin?! (same goes for you, Tony).

From: KW
To: Jay Cutler

Subject: Your play in the NFL

Better. Still shaky, but better. Must be nice to know that no matter how shaky you play�you�re already less shaky for Denver fans than their last QB.

From: KW
To: NFL Players Everywhere

Subject: Getting up after a modest gain for a first down and making an over-the-top, exaggerated �first-down� gesture with your arm.

Stop it. Seriously. It�s old. It�s cocky. It�s silly. And it�s been done to DEATH. There is no less original thing a person can do in all the world. Jokes in movies where people accidentally ingest laxatives and then have diarrhea or get their tongue stuck on a frozen pole are more inventive. People typing �lol� are more creative. Some of you make that �first down� gesture with more gusto than someone celebrating a touchdown. And all you did was get a first down. You managed to advance the ball ten yards. Congrats. Now will you go back to the huddle instead of celebrating your average accomplishment?

From: KW
To: NFL Players Everywhere
Subject: the act of pretending you�re the referee and gesturing like you�re throwing the flag after any play where you didn�t make the catch.

Ummm�you all got the previous memo about using your right arm to make the �first down� gesture after a small gain, right? Well�pretending you�re the ref and repeatedly making that little �flag tossing� gesture�.yeah, that�s about a million times more annoying than the �first down� thing�if you can believe it. Bunch of whiney cry-babies. This act likely does nothing to affect the Ref�s decision, and when you pretend that a little gesture from you can change the ref�s mind�you look like a selfish bully. Unless this act actually does change the ref�s mind�.in which case I would like you to come to my house and kill me in some gruesome fashion.

From: KW
To: Eddie George
Subject: coming out of retirement

Dude, if you can find a team that still has a game left with Indy�you need to get signed to that team right away. Sign for the league minimum. Have them promise to put you in for at least five carries, and you�re guaranteed to have a career rushing day, after which you can retire�erasing the memory of you being inactive, on the side lines in street clothes during your last season in Dallas.


At 12/13/2006 09:30:00 AM, Blogger Doc said...

Yes, Chris Collinsworth has the worst vaseline smile this side of Dan Patrick. Everyone says he's the best NFL destructionist out there, but I'll take Ron Jaworski any day over him.


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