Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Sound Observations

I usually save these rants for the end of the column, but something has been on my mind. It has to do with that hideous creation pictured above.

Nothing screams "I've officially checked out of the environment in which I will ever have sex again" like a woman in a Christmas vest or sweater. How are these things still allowed in public? Do women really think this is a good look? Have we all lost our minds for tolerating this?

I was cruising through the Medical Center today, and I saw a 40-something woman in a Christmas sweater with actual lights. And they twinkled. No kidding. The worst part was that her 8-9 year-old child was also wearing a Christmas sweater. Where does it stop, people?!

Anyway, on with the regular stuff:

NFL Week 14

1.) Anyone else tired of people setting records? It seems to happen every fucking week these days. Ladanian Tomlinson had to be the most recent person to set a touchdown record, right? It was on SUNDAY, for God's sakes!

Nope, the most recent is Miami graduate and U of L dream-killer Devin Hester, who set the all-time kick-return record in a season at 6. He scored on two kickoff returns last night against the Rams, from 94 and 96 yards. This guy is a rookie. Should he already be breaking decades-old records?

So it appears that several records will fall in the near future. Brett Favre is only 8 touchdown passes away from beating Dan Marino's record. I'm sure Peyton Manning could possibly top his own single-season record from last year at some point in his career. I could see LT getting close to 35 TDs this season, and passing it again next year. The old record (set by Shaun Alexander in 2005) only lasted a year before it got obliterated.

Chill it out, NFL players. Let the records stand for awhile. They lose their luster if they're busted up immediately.

2.) So this is the week that 2/3 of America loses interest (or money) in fantasy football. All that trading, scouring the free agent market, and trash-talking doesn't mean anything anymore, at least until next season. If you've missed the playoffs, I feel for you. It's like the anticipation of Christmas, only to realize that you have to take down all the decorations a few days later.

Or for some people, around June.

3.) I purposefully delayed my thoughts about the Titans until number 3, just in case people were turned off from it. Well, now I've got you and you can't look away.

It's been four weeks since I noted in this column that the Titans were going to be a dangerous team for the rest of the year. Well, four weeks = four wins. I don't even understand it. The only game Tennessee played like they deserved to win was against the Colts, and they still needed a 60-yard field goal to pull it out.

So I don't trust this team overall, especially if, God forbid, they lose Vince Young to injury. Right now they're like the 76ers, where the team just kind of stands around and watches Allen Iverson be great (not for much longer, apparently). They need to get a "team" concept quick, or it'll come back to bite 'em in the ass.

4.) Did anyone else see Barack Obama in the pregame for MNF last night? This guy has got to be our president one day. He's got the personality of a rock star, without the booze or the strippers. That'll come after he's president.

Speaking of Monday Night Football, there's more than a few things wrong with it since switching to ESPN:

a. - The intros. I counted three separate intros last night, all leading up to Brother Hank's rendition of his classic song, joined by Little Richard, Stevie van Zandt, Joe Perry, Charlie Daniels, and a guy that looks like Lenny Kravitz's mom. It's too fucking long.

(Note: This is still monumentally better than Pink's intro to Sunday Night Football. I never thought a Joan Jett cover could really sound worse than the original.)

b. - Tony Kornheiser's journalistic poetry rant before each game, where Mike Turico throws it to him with a question, and Kornheiser just blankly reads from a teleprompter. If you haven't noticed this, watch it next week. If you have time, get drunk beforehand. It's hideously and accidentally hilarious.

c. - Joe Fucking Theisman. Is there a worse football analyst with a better job today? He's like the NFL's answer to the NBA's Bill Walton.

"Terrible pass there by Rex Grossman. Have you ever seen anything that tells you this kid can play in the NFL? Do my tits look big in this sweater? Should I get a nose job? I think the hormonal therapy is going well. I hate Chinese people."

Actual quotes from last night's broadcast.

College Football

5.) Oh yeah, it's pretty much over.

College Basketball

6.) I'm in a bind this Saturday. My in-laws are coming in to stay the weekend, but Louisville is playing Kentucky at 12:30 pm, the greatest rivalry in college basketball (at least in Kentucky). This means that i'll have to break my ritual of waking up at 8 am, rolling onto the couch, and seeing how much alcohol I can consume before the game. This is also in competition against the other guys that I'm watching this with.

(Coincidentally, my buddy Deuce holds the record, but it's only because he never stopped from the night before. We'll let him have it just for stamina alone.)

Anyway, I don't think the in-laws will like the tradition so much, so I'll watch the game politely and drink some herbal tea to calm me down.

Fast Food

7.) Yes, I'm one of those douchebags that orders a Diet Coke with his 120,000,000-calorie "value meal". I can't help it. I'm a firm believer in cutting corners whenever you can. And who knows? Those 600 calories I saved might prolong my life for another 10 minutes.


8.) Myself and fellow L & Ners Jonathan and Chris will be entering the World Series of Pop Culture this year. For those who haven't seen the show... it's difficult to explain. Just watch in June on VH-1, and hopefully we'll bring home the prize.


At 12/13/2006 08:22:00 AM, Blogger Kennelworthy said...

This trivia thing sounds neat. I hope you guys get on the show and win the big bucks so I'll have someone to bum a cheeseburger off of.

And I'm about to enter the land of the Diet drink with unhealthy meal. The fiance is pushing hard for me to switch to Diet, which my taste buds are resisting. But I know that as soon as I make that switch...and I'm drinking all that Diet...I'm going to want the fattiest, greasiest, juiciest burger I can find to go with it.

At 12/13/2006 11:25:00 AM, Blogger Jonathan said...

Don't go to the darkside, KW. Seriously, Diet Coke drinkers are like crack addicts, much like my wife, accept that's actual crack that she takes. I swear to God that nutra sweet shit makes people nuts for more. I don't get it. However, enjoy.

Oh, and Barrett, nice post.

At 12/13/2006 02:12:00 PM, Blogger Mike said...

C-A-R-D-S Cards!

And I'll never switch to Diet Coke; it just doesn't taste as good. And if I started to eat less calories, I'd waste away.

Nice post, yet again.


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