THE WORST list, now forthcoming.

A MAN APART, HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS, SPUN, HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, LE DIVORCE, HOUSE OF THE DEAD, CAT IN THE HAT, THE ITALIAN JOB, RUGRATS GO WILD, BAD BOYS 2, COLD CREEK MANOR

Man, this was a bad year for bad movies, and I'll likely find others that I gave a "worst" tag this year. These come to mind, and if I do come up with any more, I'll be sure to note them.

10. BAD BOYS 2

This is a sequel no one asked for (much like CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE...more comparisons to come). Unlike CA:FT the ridiculousness is told as if it could happen, as if we must suspend our disbelief willingly. I'm sorry, in about the 400th car chase in a film this year, I was completely dubious of the high speed chase on a freeway where cars are being unchained off of a big rig and sent crashing to the road, while even more cars swerve and speed and crash, while bad boys Will Smith and Martin Lawrence scream and yell through it unscathed. This movie nearly hits 3 hours if you can believe that. Also, I guess we're still considering the Ku Klux Klan a huge force in racial politics today. Plus, there's a ten-minute scene that's supposed to be funny, and is supposed to be this major impetus in getting the bad boys to like each other again (after they get pissed off at each other for a couple of minutes) where they team up in berating Lawrence's daughter's date at the front door, who calmly, albeit nervously, takes the abuse.
Michael Bay makes the worst list every year he makes a film (except 1996, for THE ROCK).

9. LE DIVORCE

Possibly the most boring movie ever made, and one of the most incoherent. Kate Hudson, who might show up 3 times on others' worst lists (the other is ALEX AND EMMA) stars with the luminous Naomi Watts, who thankfully was in 21 GRAMS to forget this Merchant-Ivory production. If it weren't for Matthew Modine (!) this movie could have cracked the top 5, now that's saying something. There's also a lot of other forgettable characters in here played by Glenn Close and Stockard Channing and Sam Waterston.

8. SPUN

In this drug-hazed indie starring RUSHMORE's Jason Schwartzman, Brittany Murphy, John Leguizamo, ALMOST FAMOUS's Patrick Fugit, Mena Suvari, and thankfully, Mickey Rourke, we have a trashy little movie that really means nothing. There's a lot of gross junk that the Farrelly brothers would do with some good humor. Here, it's just gross, and it's actually meant to be that way. Schwartzman ties up a hot blond he's just had sex with and leaves her in his apartment while he goes to go get some drugs, and things keep happening to keep him away from the apartment (not that that's what the moviemakers' synopsis of this piss would be). But that's what it is, and Leguizamo, when not under the direction of Baz Luhrmann or Spike Lee, always proves very grating. Rourke is great. The movie should have been about him.

7. A MAN APART

Surely, this film was pushed back several times, and I guess there was hope that Vin Diesel would be some huge action star by that time. But XXX was not the slam-dunk everyone thought it would be, he turned down 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS (another dishonorable mention, now that I think of it) because he wanted 20 MIL, and his name became sullied. Diesel was a very fine supporting character who would have made a fine co-lead in some other action movies. But he's not capable of carrying anything by himself. This movie is dreck no matter who stars in it. Drinking game: Every time Vin Diesel goes to a beach and starts drinking, thinking about his dead ex-wife. The action was cliche in the 70s. Another cop out for revenge and breaking the rules and throwing caution to the wind.

6. RUGRATS GO WILD

Once in awhile, when I make these worst lists, a movie will show up that you wouldn't think would show up because either you wouldn't think I would have seen it or that it's such an obscure entry that including it seems a waste (see my worst list that makes CAR WASH the worst of the year, I think in 2001). But I had to sit through this. And I thought it was unbelievably unentertaining. I know, it's for kids, but FINDING NEMO is for kids...and adults like it...because time was taken to make the film...and in this cartoon in which the Rugrats meet the Wild Thornberrys, you can actually see the producers' evil grins shining in the animation cels, counting their money with their dirty hands, and you don't have to press pause (I watched it at Hollywood 27, doing my duty as a projectionist, and I had no benefit of making it stop).

5. COLD CREEK MANOR

This is THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE, only with a house substituted for a baby, and Stephen Dorff substituted for Rebecca De Mornay. Dennis Quaid plays Matt McCoy and Sharon Stone plays Annabella Sciorra. Dorff once owned the house, the location of mysterious deaths of his family, and now is trying to pull all sorts of tricks in getting it back. There's of course some clues that Dorff killed his family still lying around. Very straightforward, not scary or dramatic...but what was it supposed to be anyway?

4. HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS

This early entry into the worst of the year stayed in the top 5. Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey both get snagged into bets or something or other to meet someone, Hudson's attempt is to get the guy to break up with her in 10 days, McConaughey's is to get the girl to be in love with him in the same amount of time. So, the opposite natures of the motives cause what should be a comedic conflict. However, the movie is told much too much without any sort of edge to it, so girls will like it and think it's so cute. There's an awful scene where Hudson and McConaughey argue while singing. And much like the terrible WEDDING PLANNER, he seeks his lost love on a motorcycle at the end. This movie made 100 Million, that proves people are stupid.

3. HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES

A 2-year wait for a movie that was supposedly held back because of all the gore and you-can't-do-that sentiment was most likely held back because it sucked in many ways that movies had never sucked before. Rob Zombie directs this masterpiece which is a total ripoff of the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE...and I mean total ripoff. There's all sorts of wacky supposed-to-be-scary inserts much like a music video thrown in as if it were an infusion of style. And how about that seemingly hour-long crane shot, with about an equal amount of time spent staring down, on a "crazy" bad guy holding a gun to a cop's head, finally blowing him away--which I think we all knew would happen. Then there's the ending, where the bad guy comes out of the back seat of the car and looks at his victims, more length just so you as an audience member can let it sink in how scary this is...and more Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripping off to be done before the credits.

2. HOUSE OF THE DEAD

I went off on this film when I saw it, there's not much more to be said. I'll let my earlier review stand in for this entry, but it can thank God for Cat in the Hat.

1. CAT IN THE HAT

I think this movie gets its low marks from several different levels. First and foremost, its raping of Dr. Seuss, a man who is dead and buried, but is still currently being skull-fucked by Brian Grazer, the producer of this and THE GRINCH. At least THE GRINCH was bearable because of Jim Carrey. Second, there's the portrayal of the cat by Mike Myers, who has only 3 impersonations in his arsenal: Linda Richman, which he does here, anything Scottish, which he does in SHREK (and even Austin Powers), and his Lorne Michaels which he does also in AUSTIN POWERS. Here, this mugging and laughing takes on a new sort of irritating level. Third, the story is changed. Fourth, Sean Hayes tries desperately to shake his Will & Grace persona and he still seems very gay...and nerve-wracking. Oh yes, Mike Myers gets struck in the balls for the 1943rd time in his movie career. And somehow, they tried getting away with some implied bad language (spelling out S.H.I.T. by saying the words of the acronym, etc.) This is garbage, and the only thing worth mentioning is Alec Baldwin, who's in the movie for a total of 5 minutes.

There it is. There will be more observations later.