Revenge of the Blogger!

Okay, let�s talk revenge. I have done hours of research, and think I have definitive proof, finally.

We start with Revenge of the Jedi, a title that had to be changed to Return of the Jedi. Why? Well, Luke�s only real action of consequence in the film is to return. Also, something about how good jedi cannot feel revenge. So clearly, revenge did not play a part in the outcome of the Battle for Endor.

How about Aliens? In the first movie the aliens had clearly kicked our butts, killing off all the crew but one, sending her home packing, with her tail between her legs. So in the second one, now Earth is pissed! We send a whole team of machine gunners to kill all the aliens. (Why, by the way, have we mastered interplanetary travel, but still use machine guns?! Shouldn�t there be VapoGuns and ZapperGuns!) But does the revenge help us? Not at all. The aliens win again, killing them off one by one, leaving Ripley to take off from the planet, unfortunately with an alien on board. So, revenge�.again not a factor in the outcome.

How about Kill Bill? She wanted revenge on all the people who tried to kill her. So sure, she kills them all, but not until after she gets rapped, beaten, cut, shot with a shotgun, mocked, and punched. AND, at the movie�s end, she�s crying on the bathroom floor�clearly distraught over the immediate need to learn childcare skills. I mean, what bad-ass karate hottie wants to be saddled with dirty diapers, bed wetting, allowances, curfew�s, and all the other horrors of child rearing? So, it�s a lose/lose here. Here is where we learn that even if revenge helps you win�.you still lose.

Now let�s look at only movies with the word �revenge� (or some variation of it) in their title, thereby claiming that revenge will play a role in the outcome. All of these are movies that demonstrate revenge being of no help at all in the outcome, and at best helping you break even. They are all also real movies, in case you doubt my passion for research: Jaws: The Revenge, Revenge of the Pink Panther, Halloweentown II: Kalabar�s Revenge, Storm Chasers: Revenge of the Twister, Pinocchio�s Revenge, Revenge of the Radioactive Reporter, Revenge of the Ninja, SpongeBob SquarePants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman, Thirst for Revenge, Pancho�s Revenge, The Invisible Man�s Revenge, G.I.Joe: The Revenge of Cobra, Revenge of the Cheerleaders, Phantom of the Mall: Eric�s Revenge, Dead Man�s Revenge, Revenge of the Unhappy Campers, Revenge of the Red Barron, Inspector Gadget�s Last Case: Claw�s Revenge, Emmanuelle�s Revenge (ooh, la-la), La Revanche des mortes vivantes, Revenge of the Shogun Women, Prison Planet 3: The Revenge, The Chambermaid�s Revenge, The Washerwoman�s Revenge, Snow Queen�s Revenge, Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space, Revenge of the Stolen Stars, Sorority Girls� Revenge, Revenge of the Virgins, Oranges: Revenge of the Eggplant, Blade Rider: Revenge of the Indian Nations, Deadly Daphne�s Revenge, Revenge of the Whale, Revenge of the Red Balloon, The Onion Magnate�s Revenge, T-Bag and the Revenge of the T-Set, Paperhanger�s Revenge, The Squaw�s Revenge, Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman, Psycho Charlie�s Revenge, The Folly of Revenge, The Futility of Revenge, The Hypnotist�s Revenge, Revenge of Bigfoot, Cuusingura: The Revenge of the Masterless, Plow Boy�s Revenge, Aunt Betty�s Revenge, A Surgeon�s Revenge (ouch!), Skeletor�s Revenge, Double Dragon II: The Revenge, Revenge, Chorus Girl�s Revenge, The Butler�s Revenge, The Midget�s Revenge, and A Christmas Revenge.

Now, that�s a lot of movies. But there are ten-times as many. I wanted to list so many to show how much overwhelming evidence there is that revenge doesn�t help you win. And also because lots of those titles are funny.

I can think of only one movie with �Revenge� in the title where the revenge-taker actually wins�..Revenge of the Nerds. There�s actually a whole series of the nerds revenge, but we�ll count it as one film for our debate. The nerds have no skills, compared to their cool counterparts. So clearly revenge was what put them over the hump in being able to beat their foes.

There you have it. Definitive and lopsided data supporting the claim that revenge doesn�t really help anyone win a battle. Especially if the revenge-taker is a bad guy.