Bloodrayne

BloodRayne (Director: Uwe Boll)




















Uwe Boll, how I missed thee! Boll directed House of the Dead, a film I placed number 2 on my Worst of 2003 list, and Alone in the Dark, soon to be appearing ranked in my Worst of 2005 list. I hoped like mad that this movie would come out last year on its original November 17 release date, so that Boll could join the 2-movie club and have 2 candidates for Worst of the Year. Alas, I may have to wait until...this year. Boll's next, which is yet another video game adaptation and has an attached trailer on this movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, is slated for November 3. This guy can't get enough work, either. If you look at his upcoming slate, he's attached to direct at least 4 more video game movies--Hunter: The Reckoning, Far Cry, Postal, and Fear Effect. I don't think whoever is funding him is watching the movies he's making, or taking a look at the grosses. Alone in the Dark made $5 million. It cost $20 million to make.

BloodRayne's script comes courtesy of lesbian icon Guinevere Turner (Go Fish, American Psycho, "The L Word," and may still be best known for a cameo in Chasing Amy where she introduces Joey Lauren Adams at a lesbian club).

The plot: Vampire babe (Kristanna Loken) kills a bunch of people, but she's actually a good vampire. There's three other people (Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Matthew Davis) going on an LOTR-style quest to find her. Apparently, she can help kill this asshole vampire named Kagen (Ben Kingsley), who happens to be her father and she watched him rape her mother and is driven by revenge. Some really strong vampire left his body parts in jewel boxes around the world, and to combine them would be disasterous. Kagen wants the body parts and his daughter. Billy Zane is Michelle Rodriguez's dad, and he wants a bunch of stuff, too. Somewhere in this, Kristanna Loken gets the urge to screw Matthew Davis against the open door of a prison cell. Michael Madsen tries to out-worst the acting he did in Sin City. Ben Kingsley tries to give his Oscar away after appearing in this and Sound of Thunder.

Here's what I think of the film, with some substitutions, courtesy of the principal (James Downey) in Billy Madison:

Mr. Boll, what you've just made is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent movie were you even close to anything that could be inspired by a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having seen it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

And Meat Loaf is in this, too. He'd do anything for love, and apparently he would do that.

I think Uwe Boll learned his filmmaking skills by chopping up lettuce and observing it through eyeglasses a couple of years behind their prescription. He says, "If only I could find a way to make film the same way!" The guy takes the worst of Michael Bay (the insane video editing) and the indulgences of Oliver Stone (out-of-focus, distorted lens quick cuts), and doesn't try to make any sense of it all. He's the Ed Wood of our generation. Can't wait for that Dungeon Siege tale.