Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Sound Observations

NFL Playoffs

1.) What a batch of games last weekend! The Tony Romo bobble on a chip-shot field goal to win the game, a last-second David Akers field goal to help Philly beat the Giants, and Belichick actually showing some love to "Marshmallow" Mangini.

And I still really didn't care about any of those games.

One of the things that sucks about the NFL playoffs is that, if your team is out of it, or never made it in, you don't care. There's no more fanstasy implications, there's no "build towards next season." There's only, "How much money can I win if I take the +3 for the Giants?" That's not all that exciting. Moving along...

2.) I had to go to a wedding this Saturday, and at the reception the Colts/Chiefs game was on. I figured, "Every time I turn around it's going to be Larry Johnson running the ball." The only problem was, every time I turned around, Trent "I Look Like a Retired Porn Star" Green is chucking the ball up to anyone he sees downfield.

This was a hideous game. The Chiefs refused to run the ball in good situations, like when they had great field position on the 8 yard line. 1st down - throw the ball. Incomplete. 2nd down - run a draw that gets you 7 yards, down to the 1. Fantastic! You know they can't stop you down here, and you have one of the best backs in the game!

3rd down - fade pass to the right of the endzone. Incomplete. Try a field goal. Miss. Colts' ball.


3.) The Raiders get the overall first pick in the draft this April. Any bets on how they fuck this one up? They already passed on Leinart and Cutler last year to take... Michael Huff? Safety from Texas? Have we ever seen an entire city go collectively apeshit simultaneously? You're about to. Enjoy.

I do hope they make The Pirate, Captain Rob "Roy" Ryan (defensive coordinator) the head coach next year. Endless material for a column like this. Good coach, too. Did anyone realize the Raiders had one of the best pass defenses in the NFL this season?

College Football

4.) Excuse me for a second.


These are my feelings about motherfucking Bobby Petrino, former coach of the Orange Bowl Champion Louisville Cardinals, going to the motherfucking NFL to coach little bitch-ass Mike Vick, whose brother is a fucking thug motherfucker and the rest of the fucking cocksucking team are a bunch of whiny shit-ass pieces of road cock that don't deserve the fucking time of day from a fucking transexual cocksucking shit-stuffing ball-licking whore.

Right on the cusp of a national championship run. From what I heard, Louisville was in the early preseason discussion of having a title-contending team, especially if Heisman candidates Michael Bush and Brian Brohm came back for their last years. Now Bush has already declared for the draft, citing Petrino leaving as one of the main reasons he's not returning to college.

Fuck. Fucking asshole shit bitch butt-humping cocksucking bitch-ass motherfucker.

Okey dokey. Let's move on.

5.) Hey, two teams played in the BCS National Championship Game on Monday night. I think one beat the other, and I think it was not only an upset, but a blowout. Anyone see it? Anyone?

All joking aside, I really must protest. There's something like 113 division 1 teams in the NCAA. One school should not be able to hold the national title in both basketball and football at the same time. Shouldn't happen. Someone do something about this. Please.


6.) Women don't wear underwear anymore. I don't know what's prompted this in the last 1-2 years, but it's become a cultural phenomenon. It's like panties have been banned at Victoria's Secret, and replaced with gumball machines.

Pantyland has always been a significant curiosity for men. It started way back when guys would try to catch a glimpse of a bustle, or a flash of a garter. That graduated into just looking for a waistband sticking out of the top of a gal's jeans, probably indicating a nice little cotton number that the guy would love to see.

It further escalated into the thong. I love the thong. Always have. I would've written a song about them if Sisqo hadn't gotten there first. And the thong became the modern fixation of choice for the man. If a girl leaned over and you got a shot of the thong, it was a jackpot. I don't know why it became so important, but guys feel triumphant after spotting one. It's like being on a safari and being the first to see a spotted leopard. There was even a thong made to accentuate this behavior, called the "elevator thong." We didn't even have to try anymore!

Now Pantyland has been renovated, and become simply Land. I'm not even talking about the "celebrities" like Hilton, Lohan, and Spears. They're just figureheads. This phenomenon has trickled down to regular women. I just saw a girl sit down on a bench, with almost her entire ass hanging out of the pants! She was an attractive girl, but I kind of became disgusted. It took all imagination away. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't have noticed her if it hadn't been for the entire ass hanging out of the pants!

Then there's bizarre examples, like this USC cheerleader. How does this work? Aren't cheerleaders supposed to do pyramids and throws and handstands and all that? Is there a worse time to forget the panties? I don't understand.

My point is, I don't know where it's going next. Women's underwear had gotten so tiny, the lack of it was the next logical progression. Now where do they go? I don't really want to speculate, but it's an interesting question.


7.) I think some people are missing the point in advertising. The main focus is entertainment. After a consumer is entertained, they start watching the commercial over and over as it airs more and more. This subconscious repetition of the product information (although minimal) is an effective method to have the potential consumer link entertainment and enjoyment to the product. The amount of reality is unimportant, so long as people are sitting around and watching it, rather than changing the channel.

As Otis said in Kicking and Screaming (1995), while watching TV, "I want to see if they get the stain out." Max replies, "It's a detergent commercial. They always get the stain out." Yet they all still stick around and watch.

Advertising can be annoying, but at least there are mercifully fewer Peyton Manning commercials. Someday they might all be eliminated. Someday.


At 1/10/2007 05:05:00 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I don't think we're missing "the point" in advertising. We're taking shots at the stupid ones, and that's a completely different thing than not knowing the reason behind the advertising. We know what the point is, but that doesn't mean the friggin' commercial needs to be braindead.

At 1/10/2007 08:28:00 PM, Blogger Jonathan said...

I gotta say I hope it's Rob Ryan at the helm; he would at least be more entertaining to watch than Art Shell with his arms folded up and that intent stare giving us the impression he knows what he's doing. None of us bought it; not a goddamn one of us. And as for how they will fuck up the draft; let's see. There will be all this talk about whether they'll take Brady Quinn or that fucker QB from LSU; maybe even Troy (Overrated as Hell) Smith will factor in. Then they'll suprise us all by taking a punter. It will be a thing of beauty. I love being a Raiders fan.

Oh, and you didn't even mention the fact that another fucking Clausen has come out of the woodwork and will be QBing the Fighting Irish next season. How many of those redneck bastards are there? They'll be just like the Mannings except for the fact that they'll never get to play an NFL game.

At 1/10/2007 10:19:00 PM, Blogger Kennelworthy said...

Comparing the Clausens to the Mannings is a bit like comparing a firecracker to Hiroshima.

Also...I'm as sick of the constant airing of Peyton's commercials as the next guy...but it's not his fault. At least they were good in the beginning, before they got overplayed. Sort of like Coldplay.

Oh yeah...and I agree with Chris that we were complaining about the stupid commercials (while we clearly get the reason behind them). Problem is...even if it should be viewed as entertainment...the specific commercials mentioned by Chris are still eligible for ripping. Tiny burgers and tiny cokes = unfunny, unoriginal, and un-entertaining.

At 1/11/2007 08:29:00 AM, Blogger Doc said...

Indeed there are some really crappy commercials on right now; some that annoy the shit out of me. The Empire carpet theme, the 1-800-Safe-auto theme, etc. However, some people like 'em, and that's what the advertising execs build from. I actually heard the Empire theme in a Lil' Kim song.

I for one always eat my Wendy's combo meals in a library. It's quiet in there.

I hear there's a really good punter from Oregon State that is climbing up the draft board.

What, no comments on Pantyland? This is seriously a cultural phenomenon!

At 1/11/2007 04:35:00 PM, Blogger Jonathan said...

KW, I'm sure you caught it, but based on my "except they won't play in the NFL" comment, I was being sarcastic on the comparison. Of course the one comparison that you can make with both clans is that they're both redneck and annoying.

At 1/11/2007 07:57:00 PM, Blogger Kennelworthy said...

Yeah...I was ripping the Clausens, not your analogy. I didn't think you were being serious.

I'm totally down with PantyLand. Where do I sign up? Do I have to wear them? I hope not. point is not wearing them, right? Okay. I'm in.

At 1/12/2007 09:51:00 AM, Blogger Jonathan said...

All I have to say is you're doing good work, ladies. Keep it up.


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